


Complete (physical) health check

by TheIceQueen



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Anal Probing, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety, Caring Castiel (Supernatural), Castiel & Sam Winchester Friendship, Catheters, Claustrophobia, Comforting Castiel (Supernatural), Coughing, Crying, Crying Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester Has Panic Attacks, Dean Winchester is Protective of Sam Winchester, Doctors & Physicians, Drugs, Embarrassed Dean Winchester, Embarrassed Sam Winchester, Embarrassment, Established Castiel/Dean Winchester, Exhaustion, Fear, Fever, Gen, Headaches & Migraines, Heartbeats, Heavy Angst, Holding Hands, Hurt/Comfort, Insomnia, Light Angst, M/M, Medical, Medical Examination, Medical Inaccuracies, Medical Procedures, Memories, Men Crying, Mentioned Enemas, Mild Blood, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Needles, Nervous Dean Winchester, Nervous Sam Winchester, Nervousness, No Sex, No Smut, Nurses, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Pain, Painkillers, Panic, Panic Attacks, Past Torture, Phobias, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Prostate Examinations, Protective Castiel (Supernatural), Protective Dean Winchester, Protective Older Brothers, Protective Sam Winchester, Protectiveness, Psychological Trauma, Sam Winchester Has Issues, Sam Winchester Has Mental Health Issues, Sam Winchester Has PTSD, Sam Winchester Has Panic Attacks, Scared Dean Winchester, Scared Sam Winchester, Sick Dean Winchester, Sick Sam Winchester, Sleep, Sleepiness, Sort Of, Supportive Dean Winchester, Supportive Sam Winchester, Supportive Sibling Dean Winchester, Supportive Sibling Sam Winchester, Tired Sam Winchester, Uncomfortable Dean Winchester, Uncomfortable Sam Winchester, almost not sick, also not that sick
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-22
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-02-24 16:34:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 43,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21901051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheIceQueen/pseuds/TheIceQueen
Summary: Cas is tired of, and worried, that Sam and Dean get's sick so often and he refuses to cure them of anything non-life-threatening before they get a head to toe check to see if something can help them.Dean has a fear of needles and Sam has had a problem with hospitals and doctors, since his stay at the mental ward, so none of them wants to go. Not to talk bout the imminent discomfort and embarrassment. But it kinda makes sense and they don't see any other solution.
Relationships: Castiel & Sam Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester
Comments: 143
Kudos: 229





	1. Intervention

When Dean entered the kitchen, Sam and Cas were sitting at the table, looking more serious than anyone should on a Sunday without a case.

Nothing as said while he went for the coffee, only to realize that the pot was empty. He turned, now seeing the frown on Sam’s forehead matching his tense shoulders.

“Sam?” Dean held up the pot before setting it down and leaning against the counter-top. “What’s with you two?”

Sam didn’t want to tell Dean that Cas had lost his mind, was it even possible for an angel to have an aneurysm? But Cas nodded at him with that stern look he’d had on since they met this morning.

“Cas had decided that he won’t heal us anymore.”

Even half sitting on the counter, Dean’s legs almost slid out from under him. Gathering himself in his immediate confusion, he sat on the seat next to Sam. “What the hell? What does that even mean?”

Both of them stared at Cas, even if Sam had gotten more information he was still as shocked as Dean.

“Of course I’ll heal you when you get injured, but I’m done curing you.”

Dean looked at Sam, for further explanation, but Sam only shook his head, feeling more resent and anger than Dean’s confusion.

Cas looked at Dean. “You’re sick all the time. Your recurring influenza and stomachache, and Sam’s headaches and…

“Cas!” Sam stopped Cas before he disclosed something Dean didn’t have to know about.

Dean’s worry for Cas’s mind was now joined with worry about Sam’s health. He looked from one to the other, getting the feeling that Sam had already been presented with Cas’s suggestion or plan.

“So what do you suggest then? We can live through it.” He shot Sam an investigative look and Sam looked down in a hurry, he could live through it too, but that didn’t mean that he wanted to. “But, it will take, at least me out of commission for a few days once every two months.”

“That’s the problem.” Cas gathered his hands on the table and leaned in just a few inches to look from one brother to the other. “You two are sick too often. That’s not normal. You have to go get this sorted.”

A knot he was sure matched the one growing in Sam’s stomach, Dean stood up. He knew where this was going, but Cas must truly have lost his mind. “So what?! You won’t help us before we get checked by some doctor?”

A chill ran down Sam’s back as the demand was mentioned the second time this morning.

“Not _some_ doctor, Dean.” Cas turned Sam’s laptop and opened it. “It’s a clinic that makes full medical check-ups.”

Dean took a deep breath and looked at the page pulled up. Quickly, he skimmed the list of tests, the basics and some of the add-ones. Dean couldn’t believe it. Neither of them had ever been to the hospital or a clinic if it wasn’t an emergency. “Sam, have you seen this?”

Sam had. He’d read all of it. None of the things one there scared him, almost none, but it wasn’t like he was happy about it. Besides he’d not done well with white walls, the smell of disinfectant or doctors in white coats, since his stay in the mental hospital. He didn’t look up from the table as he nodded at Dean.

“Dammit, Cas. Look at him.” Dean stood behind Sam so Cas had them both in view.

Cas stood up and took the laptop with him. “I know, but you’ll be there too. You’ll probably be needing him too.”

Sam looked up, only to see Dean close his eyes and breathe in slowly. Making fun of each other for the fear of flying and clown had made for some good laughs in the past, but Dean’s fear of needles had almost killed him a few years before they met Cas. When Cas was human he’d seen up close how bad Dean was with injections and stitches.

Both Dean and Sam turned and followed Cas with their gaze as he walked to the door. Dean took a step closer, but paused as Cas held up a hand to stop him. “Cas, c’mon. This is ridiculous.”

Cas shook his head. “You’re getting sick more frequent. You’re not as young as you used to be either. Besides, it’s the best time; you’re not sick yet, but I can see you’re both coming down with something.”

Dean instinctively swallowed but forced himself not to clear his throat and Sam sighed deep, with the realization that Cas had already noticed him favoring his lower belly and cutting down on coffee.

“You good with this?” Dean looked at Sam, hoping he would get just as angry as he felt himself. It would be easier to fight Cas’s reasonable points if they were two. Sam shook his head and stood up and leaned against the table and looked at Dean and Cas with a deep sigh. He knew Cas was right.

“I’m not, but I get it.”

“Dammit Sam.” Dean wasn’t sure if he hated to bring Sam to a clinic more than he hated the prospect of blood tests.

Cas put the laptop under his arm and pushed the door open. “I’ll make the appointments and I’ll choose the big package for both of you.”

* * *

Fifteen minutes later, Cas had proclaimed that they were leaving the next morning at eight, and if they wasn’t in the car they would have to suffer through every non-life-threatening illness from now on. Both felt like kids as they sat in the car five minutes early. Not a word were said as they drove and the silence continued as they sat in the waiting room with each their paperwork to fill out.

Sam turned over the first page that was just information about his personal detail and medical history. His lungs filled fast with air and his exhale only one word. “Cas.”

Dean looked at Sam and his shocked look at the page, he skipped the two last question and turned the page. The next was an overview of the appointment. He looked up at Cas, who had only just turned away from the short brunette behind the desk, to look at Sam. “Cas. You can’t make him stay here for two nights.”

Sam had already put his lightly shaking hands in his pockets as he walked through the front door, and he hated that it showed on his handwriting. Dean had seen it, but decided not to draw more attention to it, but that was over now.

Cas sat down on the chair across from them and put his elbows on his knees. He spoke low enough that Sam and Dean was sure that the two other people couldn’t hear all of what he was saying. “I’ve just told the nurse about everything. They know about both of you. She was very understanding.”

“Cas, couldn’t you have gone for something smaller than all of this?” Sam held up the board with the papers. “We can go back if they don’t find anything.”

Cas shook his head. “We’re here now. I’ll come get you the day after tomorrow.” He stood up and put a hand on Dean’s shoulder. “Don’t write each other up as your emergency contact.”

Sam sighed deep and turned the page back to cross over Dean’s name. Dean noticed his own palms getting damp, but he was sure it was because he saw Sam’s shake even more as he wrote Cas’s name and number. He turned his own page back to answer the last two question as he heard Cas talk to the nurse again.

“Call me tomorrow; you’re not starting that before I’m here.” Dean looked up and saw him pointing at the screen on the desk.

“Sir, we can’t let you in if he doesn’t want you to be there.” Sam listened too, but he mostly noticed that the nurse in fact sounded understanding.

“That’s fine if he don’t, but he has to have that option. Don’t begin till he knows I’m here.”

The nurse nodded and agreed. “We can move these samples till tomorrow, do you want to be here for that too?”

Cas looked back at Sam and Dean and Sam quickly looked down, concentrating on the pages, not really succeeding. Dean held contact with Cas a little longer. He didn’t know what they were talking about, he’d decided that he didn’t need to know everything up front and had skipped the page. Still he nodded at Cas.

Cas arranged it with the nurse and, before he left, he kissed Dean’s cheek and as he walked by Sam he placed a heavy hand on his shoulder. “I know you hate these places, but you’ll be fine. Dean will too even though he’ll complain the whole time.”


	2. Check in - My brother's keeper

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam is not good with the whole clinic and medical thing and both of them are slowly realizing just how difficult this is going to be for him. Dean hasn't even had time to think about his phobia for needles.

“Dean Winchester and Samuel Winchester.”

They both looked at each other before they stood up and handed their papers to the woman Cas had talked with. She only stood as tall as Sam’s shoulder and was a bit on the heavier side. She looked like she was a few years older than them, still her brown curls had seen no gray yet. “Brothers, right?”

“Yeah.” Dean answered with an easy tone and a smile that almost eased Sam’s tense shoulders.

“Okay. I’m Charlotte and a nurse here. I’ll be your contact for your stay.”

Sam offered her his hand and she shook it, after a small nudge to Dean’s arm he wiped his hand on his jeans and shook her hand too. They followed her in to a rather large room with two windows on the far wall, two beds and a heavy curtain that could be drawn out to separate them. Even with the white walls and the non-decorated space, Sam felt a bit more at ease. Maybe it was because of the size of the room, or maybe it was that Charlotte had clearly seen that he wasn’t okay and while seeming genuinely sympathetic she looked completely sure that this would go down just fine.

“This will be your room for the two nights. Why don’t you choose a bed?”

Dean nodded at Sam and took the bed next to the windows, letting Sam have the one closest to the door. Knowing that his brother did that for his comfort Sam sent Dean a short smile as he sat down on the surprisingly soft mattress.

“I need you both to change into this, you can keep on your underwear.”

She grabbed a gown for both of them and Dean just managed to send Sam a look of disgust and annoyance before she pulled the curtain between them. Dean was sure she had left the card with the stuff she needed down the hall, just to give them time to change in private and he thought it was a rather smart move.

Sam had just tied the straps behind his neck when Charlotte knocked on the door.

“If you’re ready, I’ll start with the basic and the doctor will be in to see you later. Dean, if you would.” She stood next to the measure stick on the wall and Sam thanked what little luck he had left that he wasn’t first. Just picturing a doctor having him as a focus, had his hands shaking again. Somehow it made it a bit easier to handle when he saw Dean in his knee-short gown, clearly hating it with a passion.

Dean sighed and stood against the wall, making only small smiles at the nurse as she pulled the stick down to his head and asked him to step on the scale after. It wasn’t her fault that he didn’t want to be there. He tried to blame everything on Cas, but knowing that he had put this off his whole damn life, it wasn’t Cas fault that he was here now.

Charlotte wrote down the measurements and gestured for Dean to go back to his bed.

“So, I’m not overweight?” Dean had to lighten the mood a bit, he was practically suffocating, and he wasn’t sure Sam hadn’t already stopped breathing.

“Not at all.” Charlotte put the clipboard in a journal holder on the wall and sent Dean a big smile. “Had you expected something like that?”

“No I just like Sam to hear it. He’s not a fan of my diet.”

Sam walked to the wall and couldn’t help but smile as Dean chuckled when he sat up against the headboard and covered his legs with the blanket.

“Is that so?” Charlotte talked to Sam while she measured him, reaching high over her head to move the stick.

“Yeah… well.” Sam stopped himself as soon as he felt his voice tremble the slightest. He was surprised that he was reacting this much. He hoped to have hid it in time, but the short answer had Charlotte give him a silent smile and a hand on his shoulder as he walked to the scale.

Dean had hoped that the light small-talk would take the top of Sam nerves off, but his hands holding the gown flat against the side of thighs was clearly just to stop them from shaking.

“So, is it Sam or Samuel?” Charlotte looked at the numbers on the scale as Sam stood up. He would have told her but she’d only said his name when she called them in and he wasn’t in the mood to start conversation where there didn’t need to be one.

“It’s Sam.”

“Okay, then.” She wrote down the number and crossed over the three last letters of his name on the chart before she put it in the second holder on the wall.

“Sam. Take a sit on the bed and I’ll check your blood pressure and pulse.”

Dean and Sam shared a quick look and another smiled that was mostly just annoyed sighs. Dean pulled the pillow up a bit more to get comfortable and then sat back and listened. He wasn’t sure for what; he couldn’t hear Sam’s heart and shaking hands anyway. As soon as Sam sat down he pushed his hands under his thigs and pressed his feet to the floor.

Charlotte rolled a small cart up next to him and for a few seconds it looked like she was studying him. Then she got a small chair on wheels from the other side of the room and sat down in front of him. She held the cuff for measuring his blood pressure in one hand and took to Sam’s wrist lightly with the other.

“Sweetheart, have you done this before?”

Sam swallowed and nodded. For a second he wondered why it didn’t make him feel like a kid, when she called him sweetheart. Maybe it was like it felt like it was natural for her to do so and that she in fact was older than him. He took a deep breath and took his hand out from under him. Sam knew he was shaking but the first sign of a small shiver still embarrassed him and he locked his jaw trying to make it stop. Charlotte took his hand in both of hers for a second and waited for him to look at her. When he gathered himself and did, she smiled kindly and nodded. She placed his hand on his thigh and moved a little closer so she could reach around his upper arm.

The sound of the cuff inflating only reassured Dean that Sam hadn’t passed out, but he would have liked to hear him actually speak. How the hell did they even end up like this? Dean had always had this indescribable phobia for needles, and it hadn’t been easy with their job. There has been a lot of shouting, arguing and a few times throwing up and/or passing out, but since Cas came into their life it had almost been forgotten. Sam’s fear was a whole other monster. He’d acquired it through the job, the life, and it actually made sense that he was messed up like this. This was too much to ask of him, but of course Sam was stubborn enough to proof himself. But how could he? He was even uncomfortable in the bunker’s pale green and yellow infirmary.

Sam moved his arm a bit after the cuff was loosened and then gathered both of his hands in his lap. Charlotte put the things back on the cart and took his wrist with two fingers pressing at the inside. Sam could see her thinking.

“Nurse… ehm.”

She looked up with a smile. “Charlotte.”

“Charlotte. Is everything okay?” Sam was fully aware that him saying those words was making Dean sit up straight in bed.

“Your blood pressure is too high.” She put two fingers on his neck too. “I’m sure it’s nerves. Your pulse is racing.”

“Sam?” Dean had his feet on the floor, ready to go if he got the go-ahead or if he didn’t get an answer… or an answer he liked.

“I’m fine, Dean.” He wasn’t lying. He was perfectly okay. Nothing had bit him or scratched him. He wasn’t shot or stabbed. He was just freaking out for no damn reason and making a fool out of himself in front of the very patient lady and Dean.

She took her hands away and put one on the cuff again. “I’d like to double check, to make sure it’s not getting higher.”

Sam nodded and took a deep breath, trying hard to calm himself, but the smell of the room only sent new shivers down his spine. They could probably end up doing this all day.

Dean shook his head and rather calm, stood up and pulled the curtain away. Charlotte turned and looked less than surprised at him. Dean looked at Sam and then smiled at the woman. “How about you do me first and let my little brother have a break?”

“We can do that. Sure.” Charlotte pushed the cart and chair over to Dean’s bed and he sat down.

“Lie down before you fall down, Sammy.” Dean talked with his go-to comic-relief voice, but there was no doubt with neither of them that he meant it.

Sam swallowed deep and fought every fight or flight response in his body to lie down on his back.

Charlotte checked Dean’s pulse and blood pressure in silence as Dean watched the pace of Sam’s breathing. Sam was doing a bit better on his back. It was easier to breathe, and the room somehow seemed a bigger as he could see all of the ceiling.

“Dean are you worried about your brother?” Charlotte talked low. Sam wasn’t sure why; he could still easily hear her.

“He’ll be fine.” He talked with confidence. Dean knew that Sam was listening and didn’t want to let him know that he seriously doubted what he just said.

Charlotte wrote down Dean’s numbers. “Your blood pressure is good, but your pulse is a bit fast. You seem tense.”

“Yeah well, I have to make sure Sam doesn’t black out, don’t I?”

Sam looked over at Dean and saw his huge smile, not succeeding in covering Dean’s high alert state. He shook his head and looked back up at the ceiling as Charlotte rolled the table over again. He was overreacting, he was being a baby. A room shouldn’t make him feel like this, at least Dean’s fear was about something done to him, needles, pain, something under his skin. This was probably the safest place he’d been outside the bunker for years but he couldn’t convince his brain and body.

Dean’s face appeared over him and a heavy hand weighed down his shoulder. It was even more embarrassing to need that help, but he was ever so grateful that Dean didn’t baby him. “Breathe Sam. Just while she’s making sure your heart isn’t exploding. Then you can go back to freaking out after.”

The cuff pressed around Sam’s arm for what seemed like longer than last. It was better with Dean there and he secretly wished that their beds were just a little closer, so he might be able to hear him when the light would be out at night.

“Okay Sam. It’s still high but better, so I’m writing it up to nerves.” When she’d put everything away she checked his pulse on his neck again. “You know we’re not going to force anything on you, right? Yes you signed up for quite a few tests, but you can change your mind about anything at any time.”

Dean looked away as Sam looked at him. They both knew that if one of them would put his foot down about something it would be Dean.

Sam smiled at Charlotte. “I know, but I’m okay with it. It…” He quickly looked at Dean again, maybe to get something of a support to say it out loud, and Dean nodded at him. “It’s the place. The rooms and the smell.”

“Alright. I’ll be here the whole stay. We are a few nurses here who works four days shifts and stays here through the night. Your friend Castiel requested a stay that matched so you only would have one contact. Don’t hesitate to call.” She gestured towards a phone on the table in the corner by the window. “Zero is a direct line to me.”

When she left Sam’s side Dean stood back too, letting Sam sit up against the headboard. They both liked having a direct line to this calm and collected nurse. They were also both sure they wouldn’t use it. Why bother her with anything? They weren’t kids scared of the dark.

“Dr. James will be in as soon as she can. It could take a while though. So why don’t you take the time to figure out how you’re best able to relax? Also, we need you to fill these.”

She placed two clear cups with lids on the table next to the phone. Dean felt like he shrunk five inches. The humiliation was starting. He walked to his own bed without looking at Sam. Sam didn’t look away from the cops. “If you can’t urinate now, it’s not important that we have them before night. Just call when it’s filled so we can get it out of here.”

Sam thanked her as she walked to the door, it felt appropriate with the amount of patience she’d had to use. He forced himself to relax what he could and sunk a bit deeper into the pillow behind his back, but tensed up when he saw Dean follow the nurse out the room.

Dean turned and smiled at him. “Just going to make sure we’ll get the young hot doctor. It’ll only take a second.” Then he closed the door and left Sam alone.

Still with his hand on the handle he kept half an eye on the closed blinds, where he couldn’t see anything anyway, but hoped tha Sam could see his shadow.

“Dean?” Charlotte stepped aside to make room for him to sit on one of the chairs on the hall. Dean understood, it wasn’t like he enjoyed having his gown showing his boxers to everyone who might pass, but he wasn’t letting go of the door. She nodded and joined him again. “You _do_ worry about him, don’t you?”

Dean sighed. “I’m just not sure he can make it through two nights in this place.”

Charlotte nodded. “I can talk to Dr. James about getting him something to help him relax.”

Dean wasn’t sure Sam wanted drugs, or if would make it worse, Charlotte picked up on his hesitation. “It’s a mild sedative. We can give him something, that can help him calm down, but he won’t be tired or feel drugged from it.”

Dean nodded and smiled silently and opened the door as an end to the conversation. He needed to check on Sam; it had already been too long.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As usual this will be longer than I anticipated. I just keep putting in small details, but I think nervous Sam is adorable and who doesn't love protective Dean?  
> I'll keep the chapters short and hopefully that way I'll post more often. 
> 
> Merry Christmas!


	3. Dean’s preliminary exam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The doctor puts Dean through the first of many tests and while struggling with keeping his cool, he's aware that it's nothing compared to what will come. At the same time he's worried about how Sam will handle all of this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So last weekend I wrote 90% of this chapter and was looking forward to posting Sunday evening, when my laptop decided to destroy the file so it wouldn't open and can't be repaired. Then I entered probably the most challenging week at work ever; emotionally, physically and with stress levels through the roof.  
> Today I finally got around to write the chapter all over. I ended up liking it. Hope you do too.

Dr. Thalia James was a thin blond but her broad shoulders and short pixie cut made her look confident and strong. Her secure way of walking into the room had Dean believe that she might be able to handle the situation with Sam, at least not be freaked out or stunned by it.

She was met with silence as she shook Sam’s hand but didn’t seem to mind. She just smiled at him and walked to Dean.

“I’m Dean. That’s Sam.” Dean nodded at Sam sitting up against the headboard with the cover tugged tight around his legs and chest. “Sorry.”

“It’s alright.” She looked back at Sam and smiled. “Charlotte told me that it’s not easy for you to be here. Don’t feel bad about that.”

Sam smiled back hesitant, but Dean saw his shoulders relax a little and his own did to as a result.

“I’m just going give you a once-over and get a few samples for testing. How about we start with you, Dean?”

Dean wasn’t happy about the words samples, but he forced himself to believe that it was just a urine sample and agreed. She rolled over a small table with a drawer under and a chair and then grabbed the edge of the curtain to separate the beds. Dean saw Sam’s chest expand in record speed as he heaved in air.

“Doc.” Dean spoke loudly. Maybe louder than he’d done in that room so far.

She paused and looked at him. “Thalia.”

“Alright, Thalia. You can leave that, at least for now.”

She quickly turned back to Sam and they both observed his pale face and strained breathing for a second, before he pushed the curtain all the way back to the wall again.

“Sure.” She sat down on the chair in front Dean and picked a flashlight from her chest pocket. “Sit up for me and turn your legs over the edge.”

Dean did as told and was surprised at how self-conscious he felt when he was actually only showing skin from his knees and down. She elevated her chair so she was face to face with him and gestured for him to look up. The light burned in his eyes. He thought he’d stopped the flinch, but when he regained his sight, Thalia was waiting patiently, but clearly thinking. Sam looked not worried, but maybe a bit concerned for Dean. It was actually a nice change from his constant state of near panic.

“You seem sensitive to light. Do you have a headache?”

Dean shook his head and kept his eyes away from Sam. He was sure Sam’s headache was very much present now. “No, I just feel a bit off. Maybe a bug. Most of the times it turns out to be nothing.”

“Most of the times?” Thalia picked up a wooden tongue depressor and Dean knew he would be busted in a second. “How often do you get sick?”

Dean sighed and didn’t have to look at Sam to feel the demand for a truthful answer. “Once every few months. But it’s just colds and mild cases of the flu.”

Sam cleared his throat and not because he needed to or had something to say. He knew Dean was holding back. He would probably end up doing the same thing. The only difference was that Dean knew that Cas had helped him, but not why.

Dean sighed. “Yeah, and I had pneumonia twice last year.”

Thalia just nodded and lifted the wooden stick and the light. “Open up, please.”

With his head slightly back, Dean could see Sam studying him closely and as he looked up at the doctor she nodded to herself and then put the light in her pocket. “Just a second more Dean. I need to swab your throat.”

Before he knew it a very long Q-tip was moving into his mouth. Instinctively, he leaned back a little to get away, but the doctor just followed his move.

“It’s quick. Breathe.” She smiled softly and Dean forced himself to sit still.

The feeling only added to the discomfort in his throat and on top of the itchiness he suddenly couldn’t hold back a gag. She pulled everything out of his mouth instantly as he started coughing.

“Dean?!” Sam tensed up and was ready to jump to Dean’s side if he didn’t catch his breath soon but Dean held a hand up for him to stop.

Thalia didn’t move out of the was as she was scared he would puke all over her, but stayed and held his shoulder till the coughing fit was over.

“Sorry about that Dean.” She walked across the room to get him a cup of water which he gratefully took and almost emptied. “Your throat is inflamed. It’s not much yet and it could go away with warm drinks and rest, but with your history I think it was a good time to take that swab.”

“Lucky me then.” Dean forced a smiled and put the cup on the bedside table.

Thalia turned to Sam. “Are your throat sore too?”

Sam shook his head, relived that he didn’t had that to deal with as well.

“Good. I can reassure you that the swab will be a lot easier on you then.”

She turned back to Dean before Sam realized that the swab was standard. He’d known that if he’d been able to concentrate on the papers they had signed. He’d read every word but after realizing that he was going to be here for more than a few hours, two whole nights, he hadn’t taken in a single word his eyes had grazed over.

It was fine as she checked his joints and reflexes, even when she looked into his ears, Dean didn’t think much of it, but the small metal thing in his nose and her shining a light up there was just weird. She took a stethoscope out of the drawer and asked him to lift the gown just a little so she could put her and under it. Dean straightened his back and tried not to flinch at the cold metal touching his chest.

She stood back after a few seconds of listening and walked to stand behind Dean. “Your heart sounds healthy. Strong.”

“You hear that, Sammy?” Dean couldn’t help but rub it in his face every time he proved that the beer and fast food wasn’t killing him.

Sam shook his head and sighed. It felt actually good to pick up some of their old arguments. It was somehow reminding him that there was a world waiting for him outside.

Dean shivered as the gown was pushed more open and exposed his back to the rather chilly air. “Take a deep breath.”

He felt the air scratch his throat as he breathed deeper and stronger than in a long time, but he did his best to ignore it and pushed through two more breaths before ending with a pitiful cough.

“Alright, alright. Breathe easy now.” Thalia stood in front of Dean again and handed him the rest of the water, before she picked up the clipboard and started writing.

Dean didn’t need to ask. Sam didn’t feel the same way. He didn’t knew what was going on in the amount of detail that he would like. “Thalia?”

She turned and smiled instantly as she laid eyes on him. “Sam. Your brother’s lungs are clear. It’s his throat irritating him.” Hanging the papers on the metal frame on the foot end of the bed, she looked at Dean. “We’ll keep an eye on that here, so it doesn’t develop to pneumonia, but right now it’s just a sore throat and maybe an oncoming head-cold.”

She sat down on the chair and rolled up in front of Dean again. “I need to feel your lymph nodes and you can lie down as I do the rest of the exam.”

Dean wasn’t sure if it was meant as a reassuring promise but he would prefer to stay seated if he could choose. He guessed that he didn’t have a say in it and just nodded with a slight smile as she put heavy fingers on his neck under his ears. She was quick about it, but the pressure under his jaw had his throat tighten and itch all over again. The look the doctor gave him was clear; he was swollen. He nodded in silence and since she didn’t say anything he considered it not to be anything to worry about. Her fingers pressing over his collarbones and in his armpits was over soon and she gestured for him to lie flat on his back.

He followed order. He wasn’t nervous, but suddenly feeling defenseless and in her mercy completely, he was ready to fight of anything she would bring at him. She seemed to notice and held up har hands to show that she had nothing in them.

“I’m going to examine your stomach. I’m just using my hands and you tell me if something feels off or hurts.”

Dean breathed deeper and nodded.

“After I’m checking a few more lymph nodes and your pulse.”

“My pulse?” Dean lifted his head to underline that he didn’t understand. “The nurse did that.”

“I know, but I’m checking if it’s weaker in other parts of your body.”

“Oh. Okay.” Dean rested his head back down and nodded at her to go on.

She placed the cover over his legs and hips before she pulled the gown up to expose his stomach. It felt like he was a piece of playdough as she moved her hands around, pressing deeply into his middle.

“Any discomfort?”

“No.” Dean found it hard to speak as it felt as if she pressed down where is organs should be when his lungs were filled with air.

She moved a bit to the side and Dean tensed up. It wasn’t a pain but it was definitely not comfortable and he wasn’t prepared the least.

“Does it hurt?”

Sam straightened his back as if he could hear better that way. He saw no pain on Dean’s face though.

“Not really, but I would very much like if you wouldn’t do that again.”

She frowned and moved her hand a bit further out on his side. “Just tell me how this is compare to it.”

Dean nodded and she pressed four fingertips slowly deep in his stomach. The sudden tension in his entire middle had him gasp loudly and try to ignore that Sam could both see and hear him.

“Worse?”

Dean nodded, grateful that she was pulling his gown down again.

“Yeah, that sort of hurt.”

She picked up the clipboard and wrote something quick. “I’m signing you up for an additional test tomorrow. It would be a good idea to take a look that your liver.”

Dean closed his eyes shortly and sighed, trying not to imagine what that meant. “Sure thing Doc.”

She didn’t object to the name and proceeded to check his pulse in his neck, wrist, behind his knee and on the side and on top of his foot. She didn’t seem concerned and didn’t write anything down. At least he could hang on to the joy that he didn’t need a limb taken off.

She walked away and took the edge of the curtain. “I’m sure you want a bit of privacy for this.” She looked at Sam quickly. “It won’t be long.”

Dean only just managed to give Sam an encouraging nod before the curtain divided the room. Sam looked into the wall across from his bed and silenced his breathing, trying not to feel guilty about listening to what was happening on the other side of the thick fabric.

The recommendation of privacy along with the sight of a doctor putting on gloves didn’t set well with Dean and he felt the blood rush from his head. He didn’t know that could happen while lying down.

“No reason to worry, Dean. I’m just checking your pulse and your lymph nodes.” With a light hand she took the elastic waist band on his boxers and waited.

“I won’t need to see. Not today.”

 _Not today_ , was not what Dean wanted to hear but he’d know that since he’d seen that web-page. Also he was painfully aware that Sam could hear everything, but he would find out soon anyway. Dean tried not to imagine this happening to his already freaked out brother. Both because he didn’t want those pictures floating around in his head and because he knew he couldn’t be there to support him through it if he needed it.

“Dean?”

He looked up at the doctor and nodded. With his jaw locked he felt a hand move down his pants. She was quick to find his pulse, but the pressure she used was harder than expected. The poking around on what he guessed was where his lymph nodes, was weird and took way too long. When she had been over both sides he was weirdly relived that it had been uncomfortable enough that he hadn’t even feared an erection.

She tossed the gloves but to Dean’s horror she put on new ones and told him to turn to his side.

“No.” Dean had already drawn the conclusion what this would be before she picked up the thermometer. “No way!”

He started to sit up, but she placed a hand on his shoulder, just heavy enough to pause his movement.

“It’s the best way and it will be over quick.”

“Dean?” Sam already had his feet on the floor, but wasn’t going to run to Dean’s side of the room, before he was sure Dean couldn’t handle it himself.

“I’m good.” Dean scowled at the doctor, that he’d been pleased with until now. “It’s all good, Sam.”

“Sure?” Sam already knew that Dean wouldn’t change his mind and ask for help, unless there were needles in sight.

“Sure. Just rest for a little longer.” They both knew that Sam wasn’t really resting, but what was else to say?

The doctor gestured for him to turn to his side and Dean silently followed through, turning to face the curtain and Sam’s part of the room. As if it was some kind of torture she coated the tip with lube in front of him before she walked behind him.

She pulled his boxers down under his cheeks and Dean felt the rush of skin heating up as when he was blushing, except he was sure his whole body was at this point. With a light hand on his cheek she lifted it and Dean instinctively clenched and held his breath.

“Relax, Dean. Take a deep breath, it will be much easier.”

Dean took the deepest breath he could. He really wanted to relax just so this would be over, but he just couldn’t. The cold tip with the lube touched him and pressed slowly at his tight muscle. He guessed that it was small enough for her to push it in no matter how hard he fought it. It was tight, slow and cold. Everything it shouldn’t be, but when she let go of his cheek he was finally able to relax and it was like it wasn’t even there. He’d had Cas inside him countless times and now he was only embarrassed about how he’d reacted to this tiny thing.

“You alright, Dean?” She stood behind him, but didn’t touch him.

“Yeah, sorry.”

“Don’t be. Believe it or not, a lot of people react like that.”

It didn’t make Dean feel any better, but the silence waiting for the beep was worse than talking. When the tiny sound cut through the room she quickly took the thing out and Dean pulled up his pants and lied on his back in record time.

Since she didn’t address the temperature as she wrote it down, Dean figured it was normal, and was actually happy that she didn’t chose that moment to reveal what had just happened.

She looked at Dean for his approval before she pulled the curtain away and let the brothers see each other again. She took hold of his pillow and gestured for him to sit up against the headboard again. Dean would have taken it as a sight that they were done if she hadn’t sat down next to his bed again.

She folded her hands on her crossed legs and smiled softly at him. “I understand that you don’t do well with needles.”

Dean’s lungs let go of all of his air at once and the dizziness hit instantly. His eyes landed quickly on Sam who was half out of bed as if he needed to catch him. A tight grip took his hand and he looked at the woman in front of him. “Not now, Dean. Not today. Breathe.”

With a deep breath, the rushing air next to his ears stilled and he was able to nod at her.

Sam breathed deeply too and after a few more seconds he felt that it was okay for Dean that he climbed back in safety under his cover.

“Dean. Are you with me?” Thalia moved a bit closer and put her other and around Dean’s too.

“Yeah. I’m back, Doc.”

“Alright listen. You can’t avoid it but Castiel, I understand he’s your boyfriend?” Dean nodded. Not sure what to expect, he just let her talk. “He’ll be here tomorrow for one of your tests. He insisted on it. Normally we would draw the blood samples the first day, but he asked to move them till then too, so he’ll be here.”

Dean wasn’t sure if he should be grateful or hate everything that came out of her mouth.

“Do you want to wait?”

Still not able to say anything, Dean just nodded. All he knew was that he would not be able to do it now. Not without a fight ending in Sam and probably a few security guards holding him down.

Dean was told to drink lots of water and tea since he was clearly coming down with something and to calm his throat a bit.

As she went over everything with Dean, Sam visibly shrunk and his hands moved faster where he was fiddling the cover over his knees. Dean tried his best not to look worried for him, but Sam picked up on it anyway. Not that it mattered; he was perfectly capable freaking out by himself. He wasn’t ready to do anything in this place. He didn’t need a distraction from controlling his breathing and keeping the memories away.

Dean thanked the doctor as she brought him a pitcher of cold water and promised to send someone in with the tea after she’d examined Sam. He didn’t like tea, but right now that wasn’t important.


	4. Sam’s preliminary exam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As the doctor examines Sam, he is struggling with keeping control and making sure he's able to escape at any second. Dean is over protective as always, but they need to come to terms with that some things are too private for brothers to be around each others for.

Sam wasn’t gonna move until he had to. Sitting against the headboard with the cover wrapped around his legs and chest, he’d managed to calm down enough that he didn’t need to think about his breathing too much. Maybe it was because he could force his hands down between his thighs and belly and couldn’t see them shake. It didn’t hurt that he could see the whole room sitting like that either.

The doctor, whom Sam hadn’t really decided on yet walked over to his side rather slow and controlled. Sam was sure she made sure not to get close enough to cut his sight of Dean off.

“Sam. Before we start, you have to promise that you’ll tell me if anything gets too much.”

Dean stared at his brother; not sure he was able to answer with words. He wanted nothing more than to burst both of them out of here. When did Cas get so much power over them? It wasn’t like he’d hogtied them and dropped them off at the front of the door to this place.

“Okay.” Sam was surprised by the calmness and clear tone in his voice. Dean was too, maybe more.

Thalia nodded at him and rolled the little table over to Sam’s bed. “Do you feel better sitting like this?”

“I do.” Sam didn’t remember if he’d ever been this embarrassed, but it was the truth and if he was going to survive this stay, he realized that it was best to keep to that.

“We’ll start here then. Can I sit here?” She gestured for the small space of the mattress next to his feet that were pulled almost up to his body.

Sam nodded and watched her sit down and pick her light from her pocket. “Look up and I’ll take a quick look at your eyes.”

Grounding himself as he was about to look away from everything he needed to control, Sam grabbed the mattress on the side opposite from the doctor. It was quickly over and it seemed as she gave him a second to check his escape routes, of which there was only one, before she held the wooden stick in one hand and the light and huge q-tip in the other.

Sam was grateful that she had prepared for this to be over quick, since it would slightly obscure his view of the room again. It didn’t take more than seconds to look into his throat and take the swab. It wasn’t comfortable and Sam cleared his throat after but nothing else was to it.

She picked up a small metal device like the one she’d stuck deep into Dean’s nose and Sam took a deep breath to make sure his lungs were still going as they should. He hated every second of this, he would have even without the crippling feeling of being trapped at any second. Maybe not at much as Dean, but no one hated being a patient more than him. Thalia did it quick and quiet and looked in his ears the same way.

“Everything checks out just fine so far.” She stood up and put the used utensils away and sat on the small chair rolled up to his side. “I need to check your reflexes. You have to put your legs over the edge for that. It’s easier to listen to your lungs and heart like that too.”

Sam’s whole body tensed and his hands pressed harder onto the cover over his thighs.

“Sam?” Dean turned to face them more and was ready to jump out of bed. “Sam, this is nothing. What’s happening?”

Thalia pushed herself a bit back and just waited for Sam to answer his brother, but Sam only looked at him and then back at the door.

“Oh.” Dean relaxed his shoulders. “Okay. Then tell the lady.”

Dean’s smile and sudden relief had Sam realize how ridiculous he’d acted.

“Thalia. I need to see the door.” He looked down at his hands fiddling at the edge of the bed-cover. “Can we turn the other way?”

“Of course we can do that.” She stood up and rolled the table and her chair to the other side of Sam’s bed. “I just thought you wanted to be able to see Dean.”

Dean huffed exaggerated. “He knows I can take care of myself.”

Sam shook his head with a smile. He covered the hiss, from head headache spiking, with a deep sigh as he swung his legs over the edge of the bed and sat straight up. Without words Sam gave the okay to go on and she checked his reflexes and joints. Sam appreciated her professional way of working through the moves she’d probably done a thousand time before, while still keeping an eye on him and making sure he was good with what was going on. He was good with it. It wasn’t anything special, but he would very much have appreciated if she could have made a home visit.

“Can I?” She held up the stethoscope and gestured for his gown.

Sam placed his hands flat on the mattress next to his thighs and straightened his back. He nodded at Thalia and she took it upon herself to lift his gown just enough that she could place the cold bell on his heart.

Both Sam and Dean knew that the pause, the doctor made before deciding what to say, was about. She sat back down and looked up at Sam. “Your heart is healthy, clearly strong, which is a good thing considering the strain this is taking on you.” She smiled and for the first time Sam thought it looked like she was sorry for him. “Your heartbeat is too fast for one sitting this still. Sam, you’re in full fight-or-flight mode, am I right?”

“I guess.” Sam didn’t need to turn to know that Dean was nodding or giving the doctor some other signal that she was right.

“Charlotte mentioned that you might needed something to relax for the night.”

“Like drugs?” Sam instinctively flinched away from her.

She smiled and Sam hesitant let her take his hand. “Yeah, like drugs. It’s a mild sedative you will most likely not feel, it will just take the edge off, but you don’t need to decide anything now. Let’s get you through this exam and we’ll discuss it then. Okay?”

“Okay.” Sam whispered as his thoughts wasn’t really back to the task at hand.

Thalia stood up with the stethoscope in both hands. “Can I stand behind you?”

Sam looked up, surprised by the question but grateful that she asked. Realizing that he now trusted her, he nodded and pulled his gown a bit to the front. His lungs were clear, but he’d expected nothing else.

She sat down in front of him again and raised her chair so they were almost at same eye height. “Just like with Dean, I’m checking your lymph nodes and I’m only using my fingers.”

Sam nodded and sat still as she pressed on his neck, jaw, collarbone and under his arms.

“Normally, I would check your pulse when you’re on your back, but let’s cut that part shorter and do what we can while you’re sitting, what do you say?”

“Thanks.” Somehow it had become a teamwork to get this to work and Sam wasn’t even humiliated by thanking her for the consideration. She proceeded to feel for his pulse in his neck, wrist, knees and feet.

“Okay Sam, we can do this in stages and I’ll check the rest of your nodes and the pulse while you’re leaning against the headboard, but you will have to have your legs up in bed, and I’m sorry, but you will have to lie down after.”

It took a moment for Sam to consider. Dean was waiting tense in his own bed, remembering how powerless he’d suddenly felt lying down and he wasn’t scared just uncomfortable. “Sammy?”

“It’s alright Dean.” Sam didn’t turn away from the doctor’s gaze. “I’m okay. Let’s just get it over with.”

Thalia nodded and took the big pillow away and placed the smaller one for Sam’s head to rest on. Carefully controlling his breathing with deep and slow breaths, Sam pulled his legs up in bed and placed his hands supporting him on the mattress behind his back. He looked at Dean, who was sitting with his feet on the floor, ready to go. Dean wasn’t sure what he was ready to do. To catch Sam as he ran for the door, to hold him back as he lashed out at the doctor or slap in hover the face to snap him out of a panic attack, but Dean was ready.

Sam nodded rigid at Dean and then looked at Thalia. “In your own time.” She took a step back to give him room. “You can sit back up at any time. You don’t have to lose control.”

Slowly but determined, Sam lowered himself to lie back down. Hoping that seeing the whole ceiling would make the room seem bigger, like the last time. It did, but his only thought was that he wasn’t able to lie there alone and concentrate on convincing him that he was safe.

“I’ll touch your stomach, it might feel like a lot of pressure, but if you move to sit, I’ll back off. I’m not going to force it or try to hold you down.”

“Okay.” Even if he was sure it would be no problem to fight her off, Sam loved that he was sure he didn’t have to. He looked quickly at Dean and back at the doctor. “I believe you.”

Dean had seen determination on Sam’s face. Enough that he was sure Sam would go through with everything they would throw at him in this place. Dean wasn’t sure it was such a good idea though. Sam’s mind had shown before to decide by itself, and often rather quickly, that the line was crossed. Just as Dean’s, Sam’s fight-or-flight mode leaned heavily towards fight.

Again, Sam appreciated Thalia’s secure and steady work. She didn’t seem to use more time than necessary in any place as she pressed deep into his middle. Once in a while she looked up at his face, but she never stopped working. As she worked her way lower, Sam’s concern split between wanting to run and that she would soon find the first sign of his approaching illness. Sam held his breath as she pressed right above his bladder and for the first time she paused. She looked at him as she moved both hands lower and pressed lightly. Sam clenched his jaw to block a hiss. He wasn’t sure if Dean had seen it, but he must have noticed the change in pace.

Thalia stepped back and smiled at him before picking up a pair of gloves. “Sam, would you like for Dean to stay and well draw the curtain…” She looked quickly at Dean. “…or maybe he could use the time to provide that urine sample.”

Dean wasn’t sure what the hell she was going at. Sure Sam would like to see the whole room, but drawing the curtain would definitely be the lesser of two evils; Sam wasn’t going to be here alone with her.

Not wanting to prolong this any more than necessary, Sam decided quickly. He looked at Dean with a hesitant smile. “Maybe you should try to do that now.”

The surprise on Dean’s face, was expected by Sam, and he would have chosen differently if he didn’t have to explain himself to the doctor.

“It’s alright Dean. I’ll be fine.”

Slowly, Dean got to his feet and grabbed the cup. He looked at it and sighed; this was only adding to the humiliation. “Just knock when you want me back out here.”

Dean closed the door to the bathroom and Thalia put the gloves on. “Let me check the lymph nodes and pulse in your groin and then we’ll talk, okay?”

Sam nodded and as she put her hand down his pants, he wished that he was in enough control that he didn’t have to look at her. She didn’t look at him though. After pressing deeply into both sides and clearly feeling for a pulse on one, she pressed her fingertips down in small steps up towards his bladder. Sam only reacted and tensed up when she was nearly pressing down on it.

She pulled off her gloves and elevated his head with an extra pillow, before she sat down. “Your bladder is rather full, and you seem to be sore.”

“Well…” Sam shifted in the bed. Everything was better when she wasn’t standing above him, but he was close to done with lying down.

“Do you have difficulty or pain urinating?”

Sam sighed deep. He knew they were going there and he’d might as well just follow along. Everything would take longer if he used time to be embarrassed.

“Difficulty; yeah. It doesn’t really hurt yet though.”

The doctor’s gaze froze for a second and Sam was sure he’d just played himself. “You’re familiar with it? How often does this happen?”

Sam shrug his shoulders as if he was thinking it over and estimating. He knew exactly how often though. He’d kept track after he got it for the third time one year. “Maybe three or four times a year.”

“You have to know that’s not normal.”

Sam nodded hoping this conversation would soon be over.

“Alright, we’ll talk more about this tomorrow, but you make sure you get enough water too.” She wrote down something in his chart. “Try to give a urine sample, if you can’t it’s alright.”

She stood up and moved a bit to the side so Sam’s clear view of the door was widened. “Can you lie on your side?”

Sam was sure most doctors talked like that and it wasn’t a question, but a demand, but with Thalia he knew he had every right and opportunity to say no. He shook his head. “I… don’t think…” He gasped, trying to stop his heart from pounding in his ears after only considering closing half the room off when Dean wasn’t there.

Two light hands took his hand quickly. “Hey, we have options. Take a second to breathe.”

Sam looked up at her and took a few deep breaths. When he was back to his normal state of extremely alert he nodded at her.

“Okay. You know I need to take your temperature. You can be on your back with your feet on the mattress pulled up as high as you can. We can also get Dean in here, if it will be easier to lie on your side with him on the other side of the curtain.”

Sam looked at Dean’s empty bed. He knew he needed his overprotective brother, but to miss him like this couldn’t be normal or even healthy, and he knew that tomorrow they wouldn’t be together anyway. Not that they would want to.

“Can we do both?”

Thalia understood and nodded. She pulled the curtain and knocked the door to the bathroom. “Yeah, yeah. Don’t rush a man with his pants down.”

Sam couldn’t help but smile, and it made it even better that Thalia clearly knew it was only to ease Sam and not serious. The door opened immediately and Dean’s eyes landed on Sam. Relived that his little brother was still in the room and breathing, Dean smiled but then noticed the curtain. He nodded at it and sent Sam a questioning look.

Thalia gestured for him to go to his bed. “We’re not quite done yet. We just thought you were.”

Dean looked from one to the other and then nodded at her. “Alright Doc. I left the cup in there, I figured there was no need to put it back on the table.”

“Thanks Dean, Someone will come in and get that.”

Sam stared at the thermometer on the table as Thalia put on cloves. It was tiny, but Sam was sure that even as a kid he’d never used a rectal thermometer. He’d never had anything up there and he would have preferred it to stay that way.

“Just as we talked about.” Thalia put a careful hand under his knee, pushing it slightly up and Sam pulled his feet up close enough that his heals almost touched his buttocks.

She took the edge of the cover and waited for him to nod before pulling it aside exposing his bare legs. Her hands found his ankles and pushed on the insides, gestured for Sam to separated them slightly. He knew that he would have to do that, but he hadn’t really thought about it when he bent his legs. He followed her moves, mostly out of fear that she would ask him with words and reveal his current position to Dean.

“You alright so far?”

Sam nodded and put his hands on the edges of the mattress next to his hips.

“Sammy?” For good reasons, Dean hadn’t seen Sam nod and the calm breath he took after and he was glad he hadn’t sat all the way up in the bed yet.

“I’m good, Dean.”

“Sure?” Dean was sure he knew what was happening behind the curtain and he had no intentions of running to Sam, unless he knew Sam was in trouble.

“I’m sure.” Sam took a second to breathe and concentrate on that he could see the door and had every opportunity to get out if he needed. “I’m sure Dean, just settle down.”

Sam nodded at Thalia and she put her hands on the side of his boxers. He lifted his hips a bit and hoped with all of his heart that she didn’t need to move them too much. She only moved them below his buttocks and Sam praised his luck that she couldn’t see anything, not yet anyway.

The thermometer looked larger up closely as she covered the tip in lube. Sam tried to convince himself that it was just him freaking out, but he had enough to concentrate on, so that failed miserably.

Her free hand touched his ass and two fingers pulled his one cheek a bit to the side. Suddenly Sam worried that the way he was lying would actually make it harder on him, but when the cold touched him his only thought what that he wasn’t able to run for the door with his whole body frozen like this. Even though everything about it felt wrong, the thing slid in seemingly easy.

Thalia covered his legs and put a light, maybe even timid, hand on his knee. “Sam?”

He nodded, but didn’t look up at her. “I’m fine.” To his regret he only made a whisper.

“Sam. Talk to me, okay? You need to let me know if you need to stop.”

With a small smile he hastily looked her in the eyes and then turned his head towards the door again. “I will. I’m okay.”

Dean didn’t want to talk to Sam this second. At least till after the beep, Sam didn’t need his brother’s voice in the room. He had to settle with that Sam was answering the doctor with words and his voice seemingly not shaking.

After the beep, Thalia removed the thermometer and stepped back to the table. “Alright, Sam. You can sit up as you want now.”

Sam didn’t waste any time pulling up his boxers and pressing himself up against the headboard. His headache flared up by the quick movement and he hissed as he pressed his fingers at the bridge of his nose.

Thalia was at his side in a second. “Sam? You have a headache?”

“Yeah.” Sam whispered as he slowly uncurled and pulled the cover tight around his chest and folded his arms protectively over it.

“Is it just now or have you had it longer?”

Sam noticed a hint of worry on her face.

“Well, this one started yesterday, but it’s been worse since I walked in here.” He knew it was the stress. He was used to it, by now. Every time he found him in a situation that reminded him of the mental hospital or anything with Lucifer, he’d get this horrible headache.

“Has it been the same the last hours, or is it increasing?”

Sam thought it over for a second. “The same, more or less.”

She nodded and took a step back. “It’s probably your high pulse and blood pressure. We’ll get you something to help with that, but you need to let us know as soon as anything changes.”

“I will.” Sam nodded and looked at her as she paused while looking at the thermometer. “Your temperature is a bit elevated. Nothing to worry about though, it could be the stress...” She stepped a bit closer and looked at his stomach. “…or a slight infection.”

Sam sighed and pulled his knees a bit closer. He really didn’t want it to be that, but if it wasn’t a urinary tract infection, what would it be? And would anything else not be more terrifying?

She put everything away and walked to the curtain and at Sam’s approving gesture, she pulled it away so he could see Dean sitting on the edge of his bed.

“Dean, for everything that’s good, relax.” Trying to look like this hadn’t been as hard as it was, Sam shook his head at his brother.

“Are you alright? You’re kinda winded.” It was clear to Dean that Sam had struggled through most of what had happened. He wasn’t sure how Sam had even survived lying on his side, closing himself of from the room like that.

Sam nodded with confidence. Having been on his back, exposed for danger, so long made sitting like this so much easier than before. “I’m good, Dean.”

Dean slowly got his legs up in the bed and got settled against the headboard. He didn’t let his eyes of Sam through; he was calming down, but Dean needed to be sure it was coming to stay.

Thalia stood next to his feet but kept her distance. “Sam, if it’s too much at once and you need a breather, you say so, but we need blood samples from you and we normally get them now.”

“We can do that now.” Sam had seen it coming. He’d never had a problem with needles or blood and now when he was getting better with the whole breathing thing, he might as well get it done now.

“Alright.” Thalia looked a bit surprised but quickly got back to the professional with the perfect bed-side manner that Sam liked. She opened a cupboard and put some things on a tray. When she brought it over, she stood at the foot end of the bed. “Where do you want me?”

Sam smiled, relived but not the slightest surprised that she would ask. He shifted a bit and unwrapped the arm closest to Dean from around his chest. If he could stay seated against the headboard, he would like for no one to obstruct the way to the door. Besides, if she was with her back towards Dean it meant that Dean couldn’t see.

She sat down and took his wrist, pulling the arm out a bit. “You’re really okay with this? With needles?”

Sam nodded, deliberately not looking at Dean. “I’m not bothered, well scared, of any of this. If we could do it in the parking lot, I’d be totally fine.”

She chuckled and put on gloves. “I’m sorry, but that’s not a service we provide.” She looked around the room before she concentrated on her job and cleaned the crease of Sam’s elbow. “I guess we could make it a bit less hospitally in here though.”

“Yeah…” Sam nodded but froze when she picked up the needle. Not from the sight, but from the sound of a gag from the other side of the room. “Dean?”

“I’m…” Dean looked sternly at his knees and clutched the cover over them. “It’s fine… I’m…” Dean hated himself for looking, for making sure Sam was alright even when he said he was. He hated that the small piece of metal he’d briefly seen made him feel like this.

Thalia stood up but Sam took her wrist and pulled her slowly back down. “Don’t.”

She nodded and settled down, not moving.

“Dean, breathe. It’s over here.” Sam talked calm and secure, more than he’d done since Cas had suggested this madness. “Count. Remember?”

Dean nodded and in his blurry vision he found his hands and started counting his fingers. He slowly made it to ten and then counted five as he drew in more air and the other five as he let it slowly out.

“Better?” Sam could see he was, but the ash gray tone to his skin hadn’t let go just yet.

“Better. Sorry.” Dean nodded but didn’t take his eyes of his fingers, just in case he would have to start over.

Sam leaned back and nodded for Thalia to continue. “It’s alright. Not your fault. Keep controlling it till I say it’s over.”

Dean nodded and Thalia cleaned Sam’s arm again. Sam wasn’t sure if it was allowed to take just one more vial than Thalia did. He wasn’t sure why they needed so much blood in so many little vials. He didn’t care to ask though. He just tried to convince himself that he wasn’t dizzy when he bend his arm around the cotton and sat up a bit more.

Thalia took the vials and the needle away and Sam looked over at Dean, who was still looking at his hands lying flat on his knees. “You’re safe Dean.”

Dean drew in a huge breath and loosened his shoulders before he looked at Sam. Sam was holding it together, but this place was taking it’s toll on him and it was now more clear than ever, that Dean couldn’t be there to help him through it.

“Sam, I’m sorry.”

“Stop it.” Sam spoke firmly and loudly. “You’re allowed to freak out too, be both have issues.” Sam looked at the doctor who seemed to just be waiting for them to finish.

Dena nodded with an embarrassed smile and Sam breathed in deep before turning to the doctor. “Thalia?”

She took a step closer and smiled at Sam. “I think you should consider getting something to relief you of some of the anxiety.”

Sam shook his head. “I don’t want drugs.”

“Alright. If that’s how you feel.” She smiled, but looked kinda disappointed.

Dean wasn’t sure Sam was thinking straight, actually he was pretty convinced he wasn’t. “Sam. I think…”

“No.” Sam looked at Dean making sur he wouldn’t talk against him anymore. Then he looked straight at the doctor. “It will only make everything worse.”

She nodded with an overbearing smile. “We won’t force it on you. You both have an MRI scheduled for later. We can talk after that.”

Sam nodded and watched her as she wrote the last on his chart. She hung it on wall and turned to Dean and Sam. “You should both be drinking plenty of water. As you know you will be fasting till the end of your stay.”

“Ehm…” Dean pushed himself up higher. “Why was that again?”

Clearly amused by the question she smiled. “Two reasons: We’re testing how your bodies react to reintroducing food. And if you need a test where you will need anesthesia it’s safer.”

“Do we need that?” Dean scouted his mind for memories of having reading something like that.

“Sam. It’s fine, you don’t.” Thalia took a step closer to Sam but hesitated when Dean beat her to him and grabbed his shoulders.

“Focus on me.”

Sam gasped and tried his best to look Dean in the eyes, but all he could see was a white room, with doctors around him and he felt the heaviness to his body that all the drugs had given him.

“Dean…” Sam grabbed Dean’s shoulder. “I can’t.”

“I know, Sammy. You won’t have to.” Dean turned to the doctor. “Doc. Tell him!”

Thalia stood close to the foot end of Sam’s bed. “Sam. You have nothing scheduled. You won’t need it.”

Sam took a deep breath and looked at her. “You sure? There won’t be anything added, like Dean’s test?”

She took hold of the metal frame of the bed and leaned forward a bit. “Sam. Everything is voluntarily; _you_ decide.”

“You hear that?” Dean leaned into Sam’s line of sight. “You’re in control. You said it yourself; you believe her.”

“Okay, okay.” Sam nodded and shook the tension of him.

Dean let go and stood up straight next to Sam’s bed. “Anything else we need to know?” Dean smiled, as he tried not to sound rude. The doctor had been nothing but kind, but he’d really want her to leave now.

She smiled and headed for the door. “Remember; Charlotte is on speed dial zero.”

Sam nodded and as soon as the door closed behind her he looked up at Dean. “We’re not cut out for this.”

Dean slowly walked back to his bed and dropped down on the back. “We’re not. I’m skipping half the tests tomorrow. No matter what Cas says.”

Sam leaned back and closed his eyes for a second, just long enough that he needed to make sure the room was safe again. He wasn’t agreeing to drugs, but that was tomorrow. Right now he had the MRI to worry about.


	5. Locked up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cas took away Sam's hallucinations a long time ago, but Sam still remembers. He remembers hell too. No matter how you see it and how much he can reason with it now; Sam is effected by what he's been through. 
> 
> Scared Sam.   
> Protective Dean.

Dean had demanded that they would go together for the MRI, and when Sam had had to take a second steadying himself at the door, Dean had chosen for both of them that he would go first. As Sam watched the machine pull Dean into the slim cylinder space, he was glad that Dean hadn’t asked him. Sam would have chosen to go first and get it over with, but he soon realized that he needed to prepare more than the last hours. Dean laid still on the narrow surface and in the speaker on the wall, Sam and the technician could hear him humming Road to Nowhere.

It seemed like it took hours before the loud banging noises stopped. Sam was sure he wouldn’t last that long in that small space. Still it hadn’t become his turn too soon. He hadn’t had time enough to find a thing to focus on; a thing that could distract him from feeling trapped.

The technician pressed a button and leaned in to a microphone. “That’s it Dean. Lie still and we’ll be right in.”

Sam walked slowly after the man. He waited at the door for Dean to get up and wave him over. It didn’t make sense to Sam how his body followed calmly as Dean turned him and pushed him to sit on the table, when his mind was screaming for him to get out of there.

“Don’t overthink this,” Dean said with his hands firmly planted on Sam’s shoulders.

Sam forced a smile and lied down. The technician, who hadn’t said more than that one thing since instructing Dean before, gave adjusted a few small pillows under Sam’s knees and head and then handed him the small ball, Dean had been holding too.

“Lots of people don’t like this, it’s quite normal. Don’t hesitate to squeeze this if you need to get out.”

Sam nodded and made sure the ball was securely placed under his hand next to his side. None of them had said anything about how Sam was about this. He must be looking as anxious and pale as he felt.

“Do you want music? We have a pair of headphones.”

Not sure if he wanted it or not Sam looked at Dean. Of course Dean would understand that he needed more information than that.

“Can he hear us without them?”

The man looked at Sam and nodded. “You can hear everything still. Some find it easier with the music to take their minds of the noise and make the time go faster.”

“I’m sure we can find some _Elvis_ for you.” Dean rolled his eyes, but the hand on Sam’s shoulder wasn’t part of the joke.

“Shut up,” Sam said and sat up taking the headphones. As soon as he was back down on his back he secured the ball under his hand again.

The technician smiled and left the room and gestured for Dean to follow.

Dean took a second to look strict down at Sam. “Don’t force it. You get out as soon as you need.”

Sam nodded and turned his head to face the ceiling. Dean padded Sam’s upper arm a single time more before he left the room.

“Tell me if it’s too loud.” The voice was clear in the headphones and then the music started.

Sam gasped and felt his chest tighten. He wasn’t ready. Already before he was pulled into the tight space, he was feeling the room disappearing around him. His head was locked in the sound and his body felt out of reach.

“If you want to know that the ball is working, press it to let us know that you’re ready.”

He shook his head and as his feet disappeared from his mind, he sat up and pulled the headphones off.

“Sam?!” Dean was only a foot from the window, but looked ready to be with Sam in a second if he didn’t get the answer he wanted.

“I’m fine.” Sam heaved in a long slow breath as he looked from one man to the other. “I just can’t with the music.”

“Alright.” The technician smiled as he leaned over the microphone. “Just drop them on the floor.”

Sam did as told and forced a smile to Dean before he laid back down.

“When you’re ready.” The voice made it through the room just as clear as in the headphones.

Sam shifted to get a little less uncomfortable and then squeezed the ball. The table moved and within seconds Sam’s vision was limited to the white curved plastic, less than two feet over his face and body.

The first buzzing wasn’t that loud, but soon the loud banging, he’d heard when Dean was there, started. It wasn’t as close and confining as the music had been, but he would have no idea if someone would walk into the room. It made him feel defenseless and unprotected. It made him feel trapped. He took a deep breath; nothing would happen. He could get out whenever he wanted. He wasn’t locked in, and most importantly he wasn’t with someone who wanted to hurt him.

“Sam?” Deans voice cut through the loud banging. “How are you buddy? I can see your chest moving too fast from here.”

“I’m…” Sam blinked the colors away and focused on the white about him. “It’s alright.”

“Good. Keep it that way. I know you didn’t like the headphones; want me to sing you a song?”

Sam smiled to himself and managed to close his eyes for longer than a blink. “I’m good Dean.”

“Just say the word.”

With Dean’s voice fresh in mind Sam breathed a bit calmer and took status of his body. Not allowed to move, it made it harder to get a sense of it all. He shifted just his thumb to make sure the ball was still in his hand.

The banging seemed louder and Sam tried to find a rhythm to concentrate on but there was none. There was only noise. Deep, dark metallic noises that shook his head. Every time it surprised him his vision blurred more at the edges. The hazy ring around his sight turned dark red and he squeezed his eyes shut. He wasn’t about to go there. There was no fire, the metal colliding around him wasn’t a cage. He was alone! He was in a hospital, a clinic. With force he opened his eyes and eased his tense muscles when the white was clear above him. He _was_ in a hospital. It was safe. Then why was his whole body covered in chills and his ears ringing? He didn’t need to hear the condescending tone on Lucifer’s voice to feel him in the room. He didn’t need to see him to know the gloating smile he was wearing. Sam squeezed his eyes shut and locked his jaw. He _was_ safe. He held his breath as he opened his eyes again, only to see the same white and feel the same cold.

A tone of something else but Lucifer and the banging slowly building the cage around the mental ward. The tone became more persisting for every second.

“Sam?” Dean yelled in the speaker. “Sam talk to me dammit! That’s it, get him out.”

The banging stopped and only the buzzing was left.

“Dean?” Sam gasped out the word.

“Yeah, it’s me. We’re getting you out now.”

“No.” Sam wasn’t sure why he said that. He wanted nothing more than to get out, to get away.

“Sam?”

“How… how long?”

“No.” Dean wasn’t talking to Sam. “Don’t. He’s done.”

“How _long_?” Sam squeezed his eyes again, but even without the sound, the fire surrounded him and the chills waived for the heat.

“Eight minutes.” The technician sounded calm and Sam wasn’t sure if he felt better or worse from it.

“Alright.” Sam tightened his fingers around the ball and locked his eyes straight above him. “Start it. I’m alright.”

“You’re hardly breathing.” Dean didn’t sound calm at all.

“It’s okay, Dean.”

Sam could see Dean’s head shaking just as clear as he saw Lucifer laughing.

“Just be honest when you can’t anymore and press the damn ball.”

The noise started up again and Sam prepared for eight minutes of knowing that he was alright but not having a say in what he felt or saw.

* * *

“I’ve got you. Take it easy.” Dean spoke as calm as he could as he grabbed Sam’s shoulders, keeping him from not tumbling of the table.

Sam had been in there the whole eight minutes, but Dean hadn’t waited till the table was all the way out before running to his brother’s side. Gasping for air, Sam had his feet on the floor too fast, and his shaking hand was boring fingers into Dean’s shoulder.

“Sam. Take a second to breathe.” Dean grabbed both of Sam’s shoulders and tried to get him sitting still long enough for them to lock eyes, but Sam was fighting too hard to get up.

“Alright. Alright, let me help.” Dean pulled Sam’s arm over his shoulders and supported his frantic brother through the door.

Barely into the other room, Sam gave in to the fight for air and dropped to the floor. Dean followed him down and quickly got him seated just enough that he could hold him up by his shoulders. The technician came closer and Charlotte, who was there to walk them back, hunched down next to them, but Dean waved them both away.

“Sam. Look at me.” Dean tried to calm his voice as much as he could while still making sure that Sam would hear him through the panting and coughing. “You’re safe. He’s not here.”

Sam looked up at Dean and for a second Dean just waited for reality to set in. Then Sam nodded slightly but his lungs took over and pulled their contact apart.

Dean sat down all the way and moved one hand down to take one of Sam’s. “Breathe. Just concentrate on breathing slower.”

Sam nodded again and slowly Sam got control and Dean could breathe a little easier too.

“Sorry,” Sam said quietly when he got his shoulders down to normal height.

Dean shook his head and pushed Sam’s shoulder to make him look up. “Don’t. You lost it. I get it.”

Sam’s eyes dropped and he pulled his hand back, but Dean took it quickly. “Hey. You’re not crazy. You know it’s over; Cas took it.”

Sam nodded but he still looked far away in thought.

“Don’t worry.” Dean stood up and slowly and carefully, he pulled Sam up to stand in front of him.

“It’s over. This is just some PTSD-shit or something.” He took Sam’s upper arms firmly and waited for Sam to look at him. “But, if you have a hard time believing that _here_ … Sammy, I think you should go home.”

* * *

It was no surprise that Sam had refused to leave. Sam was stubborn. Sometimes more than Dean, especially when it came to proving himself. Dean didn’t know what Cas had almost told him about Sam’s health issues but he was gathering that it was personal, at least more personal than the pneumonia Dean was struggling with. It couldn’t be fun going through whatever that was, and with Cas’s band on curing them, it would mean that Sam had to if he didn’t stay.

They had offered a wheelchair for the trip back to their room, but Dean understand perfectly well that Sam wanted to walk the experience off. During the slow walk Dean had given Sam the ultimatum of getting something to help him relax or he would call Cas to haul Sam back to the bunker. Sam had agreed but as soon as Charlotte turned towards him, Sam’s color disappeared again and Dean was sure he would start right back up and stumble out of the bed.

“Sam.” Dean took a step closer but made sure he was still behind Charlotte so he didn’t see the needle. “It’s mild. You won’t feel it.”

“He’s right.” Charlotte reached for Sam’s hand but he pulled away, just fast enough. Charlotte didn’t seem bothered and just placed her hand on Sam’s knee. “Sam. You won’t feel drugged. It will help just you relax your mind a little. You need that, am I right?”

Sam looked up and Dean did his best to balance the demanding and compassionate look on his face. Sam sighed and straightened his back a little.

“Dean…”

Dean promptly walked to the other side of the bed and sat down on the edge of the mattress. He hadn’t heard that sound on Sam’s voice or seen that look in his eyes, since the nights after Sam first learned about what their father did. Sam only ever said Dean’s name, but it had always prompted Dean to promise that he’d be there all night and that nothing would happen.

“I trust these people. I know you do to, but if anything feels wrong; I’m not going anywhere.”

Sam took a deep breath, not taking his eyes of Dean for a while. He forced a little smile and then gave Charlotte a small nod. Dean kept his eyes on Sam’s face. It wasn’t the time to freak out over a needle and he was gong to watch every small change or sign on Sam’s face, that something wasn’t right.

Dean stood close to Sam as long as it took Charlotte to tell them that they could call her any time during the night and that they had the choice of a male doctor for the exam and tests tomorrow. That wasn’t happening; Sam wouldn’t chose to meet more people in here, when he managed with Dr. James and Dean would actually prefer that it _wasn’t_ a man. When Charlotte left, Sam smiled at Dean, and Dean felt okay with sitting in his own bed.

“How are you?” Dean lied down and pulled the duvet up under his arm.

“Okay, I guess.”

Dean hated to ask but he had to. “Feel drugged?”

Sam shook his head and slowly moved down in bed too.

“Freaked out?” Dean tried.

Sam huffed. “No.” He smiled and looked up in to the ceiling. Dean figured that Sam wouldn’t be lying on his side any time soon, but at least he was lying down and looked like he was relaxing a little; maybe not enough to sleep but definitely more than before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a while, I know. But I'll keep it going, don't worry.


	6. Sam's exam

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam's exam, tests and treatment. Embarrassment, discomfort, pain and lots of angst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a looong time since the last update, I know.  
> I hope you guys are still here and ready for this chapter which is basically 9000 words of angst.

Sam’s hands shook lightly on the edge of the bathroom sink. The eyes looking back at him in the mirror was surrounded by dark lines. Dean had fallen asleep long before him, and when Sam woke up Dean slept a few hours still.

He tried to ignore the two little white bottles on the sink, but they seemed to be yelling at him, mocking him. After Dean had complained about no dinner or breakfast for half an hour, Charlotte had come in to explain that they needed to clean with an enema before the exams today. Then she proceeded with explaining how and ended with that Sam had half an hour before she would come back to lead him to the other room.

It had been fifteen minutes of awkward silence between him and Dean, before Sam had gone up and went to the bathroom. He didn’t know how long he’d been in there, but he was sure Dean would start to worry soon. He looked himself in the eyes and locked his jaw as he sighed with determination. There was no way around it anyway. Quickly he slipped out of his underwear and was oddly glad that the gown was long enough to cover him. This was embarrassing even alone.

The tip on the bottle was longer than Sam had imagined while Charlotte had explained. He put one foot on the toilet and angled the tip against himself. The plastic was hard. Why wouldn’t it be at least bendable? He was sure that the thermometer the day before was the only time he’d had something up there, but he was sure this was only the beginning. Why else would he even had to do this? Slowly, and not breathing he pushed the thing inside. Even when he did it himself, it was difficult not to clench. His hand supporting him on the sink shook harder as he slowly lost balance. He breathed in deep and reminded himself that it didn’t hurt and that he was in complete control over this. He paused and breathed deep again, to be able to relax as much as possible, as Charlotte had said, before he pressed the bottle hard and the water rushed into him. The new strange feeling of something suddenly filling him, had him clench hard, but it was what he was supposed to do anyway. He placed his feet close together, tossed the bottle in the trash and grabbed on tight to the sink again. 60 seconds and he could use the toilet. And then he had to do it all over again.

* * *

Dean had asked Charlotte, what seemed like, a hundred questions when she came to get Sam. When will he be back? Would she be with him at all times? Where was the room? Would Sam be able to say stop and get out at any time? Why couldn’t Dean just go with and wait in the hall?

Charlotte had answered everything with patience, but when Sam got the feeling that Dean was only stalling for Sam’s sake, he’d cut Dean off and told him that he would be fine.

Dr. James greeted him in the hallway and led him into a brightly lit white room. The room was almost square and had no windows. One wall was half covered in white-framed glass cupboards and the end other half by a counter-top with a sink. Charlotte told Sam that she would check on Dean and a few other patients, but would be back, and Thalia gestured for the exam table in the middle of the room.

Silently, as he’d been since they left Dean, Sam walked to the table and sat down. Thalia rolled up a small table and chair and sat down in front of him. Being just a little under Sam’s eyelevel, she looked up and him with a confident smile.

“How are you feeling? I hear you didn’t get much sleep.”

“I’m…” Sam cleared his throat and tried to not sound nervous. He wasn’t right now. He was facing the door and he trusted the doctor to let him walk out it if he needed. “I’m okay. I got a few hours. I’ve done fine with less.” He smiled and as Thalia nodded at his answer he felt the tension lighten a little.

I’ll start with checking your blood pressure and blood sugar to get a read on how your body is handling no food. Sam nodded in agreement and she wrapped the cuff around his arm and turned on the machine. “I’ll talk you though everything we’re doing today as we get to it.” She paused and her face turned more serious. “Sam. If there’s something you can’t do the way I’m suggesting, tell me, and we’ll find another way.”

The machine stopped buzzing and she took the cuff of his arm and put it away. “It’s better than the reading from yesterday. Your headache seems to have lessened too. You feel more at ease today?”

“I think so.” Sam looked down at his hands just for a second before being aware of the room again. “I guess it’s easier since you know and I don’t have to explain what’s going on with me.”

She smiled and placed a light hand on his. “Charlotte explained what happened after the MRI. Let’s not do that today. You’re allowed to say stop at any time. Everything is voluntary. You know that, right?”

“I do, thanks.” Sam tried to figure out if Cas would keep his promise of no cures in the future if Sam had to stop and get out of here with a panic attack like the evening before. He might, but Dean might force Cas to help, but that would mean that Dean had to know every time Sam was sick and that wasn’t an option. Even without the urinary tract infections there would be enough colds and other small issues to make Dean worry.

The prick in the finger was hardly something, but now he was left with a small white band aid around the tip of his middle finger while he was waiting for Thalia to get the reading back from the small device on the counter.

“Looking good Sam.” She didn’t turn around while she wrote everything down. “Please take off your underwear now. You can place them on the chair in the corner.”

Again Sam was grateful for the long gown, but the imagined privacy was stripped from him, quite literally, when the doctor put on gloves and asked him to lift the only fabric between her and his privates. She sat down in front of where he stood as if it was totally normal for her to be that close to him.

“I’m only examining you with my hands. You tell me if anything feels odd or hurts, okay?”

Sam nodded and hummed a positive. As she touched his skin just over his dick, his only purpose became finding a place to look that wasn’t her. She pressed in deep but not too much, then her fingers traveled firmly down his shaft and Sam held his breath as she came closer to his glans.

“Any discomfort?”

“No,” Sam said too low for him not to sound embarrassed.

“Then breathe normally. I’m almost done.”

Sam nodded as she moved back up. Feeling every place under his shaft too. She cupped his balls and felt each firmly with her fingertips after.

“This might feel strange, just relax, okay?”

Sam blinked slowly, trying to prepare himself to whatever was going to happen but, weirdly, he didn’t feel more nervous from the statement. She pressed her finger in next to his dick, deep and then kept going. There was no pain, but he’d never thought it was possible to push his skin that far in. She asked him to couch and as soon as he’d done so, she rolled her chair back and took off her gloves.

“Everything checks out as it should be. Would you be more comfortable on your back if I raise the head of the table a little?”

Sam knew he was going to, eventually, but he really wished that he didn’t had to lie on that table. Not only because he would feel less protected, but now he was also aware of how much more exposed to this woman he would be.

“That would be better, I think. Thanks.”

His head was raised just enough that he could still see the whole room, and as he shifted to get as comfortable as possible on the sparsely padded surface, Thalia walked to the opposite side of him from the door. She put on new gloves and lifted his gown just enough to see everything again.

“You didn’t provide a urine sample. Have you been able to urinate at all since yesterday?” She put her hand under the gown and laid it flat on his lower belly. Sam shook his head as she shortly looked at him, then she turned back to her examination. Sam hissed loudly as soon as she pressed just deep enough that his bladder ached and sent a burn down to the base of his dick. She pulled her hands back immediately and placed one firmly on his hip as if to steady him.

“I’m sorry. Take a second and we’ll talk about how we’re going to resolve this.” She sat down and covered him with the gown. As soon as Sam had taken a full deep breath and looked at her she rolled a bit closer to his head. “You still have a slight fever, I’m sure. We’ll check your temperature in a while. I’ll start you on antibiotics for urinary infection as soon as we’re done here. You’ll have to continue that at home with tablets. Since you’ve had it quite often the last years, I guess you haven’t continued the antibiotics after the symptoms has gone away. Am I right?”

Sam nodded. She didn’t need to know that he hadn’t used any medication. It wasn’t like he could tell her that an Angel had cured him every time and that he didn’t know that the infection would still be there, just waiting to make him sick again.

“Well, this time you’re finishing the package, even after the fever and pain are gone, okay?”

Sam retaliated her smile. “Definitely.”

“It would help to know how severe it is and I’m going to check for other illnesses and STD’s as well. It might be a little more uncomfortable with the infection, but I think we should continue as planned and then we’ll talk about short term help with your bladder when you get back to your room.”

Sam just nodded. He didn’t want to know about any of it before he had to. There was enough to deal with, just being in this room. The thought of just getting back to the room where Dean was, overshadowed the thought of anything else.

Thalia stood up and lifted the gown again. She picked something from the small table she’d rolled up next to her. “Hold still, it will only take a second.”

Sam didn’t look as she lifted his dick, and he breathed deep when she told him to. The burn, first in the head of his dick and then the feeling of a shard of glass moving inside his shaft had him jump with a protesting cry and grab the sides if the table. He looked down just in time to see a long Q-tip leave his dick and he dropped his head hard back on the table, gasping for air as she let go of him completely.

“Sam?”

She had a hand on his shoulder and when his eyes opened again she was looking down at him with a worried face.

“I’m sorry, Sam. I didn’t expect you to be in that much pain from it.”

Sam forced a smile. “Neither did I.” He breathed the words out through fighting not to cough from lack of air.

She kept her hand on his shoulder as she waited for him to breathe close to normal again. Sam cleared his throat as soon as he had control to do so and nodded at her that he was okay.

“Just breathe. We’re not in a hurry.” She smiled almost remorseful as she covered his lower half with a thin blanket and left his side to roll the small table to the far side of the room and slowly gather a few things on it.

Sam was sure she took her time to let him settle down again, but he wished that she would just do what she needed and let him out of this white, way too clean, prison. When Thalia finally looked back at him he saw the hesitation clearly on her face. He must have messed up badly to have the otherwise so collected and professional doctor take pause. She left the table behind as she walked to his side, and stopped just out of reach.

“We can do this in a few ways, so hear me out first, okay? I need to check your temperature and do a prostate exam, I’ll do a swab of your rectum too.” She paused and Sam took the second to let the message settle in. He knew all of that already, but hearing it said out loud seconds before it was happening, made it even more embarrassing than he could have imagined.

“Now, Sam. It might be easier on you to have your legs up in stirrups, but I’m not sure if that would make you feel trapped in any way?”

Thinking about how he’d look lying like that only passed his mind a second before he realized how immobile he’d feel with both legs in the air. He might be able to see the whole room, but there was no quick escape from that position. He felt his heart hammering in his chest just considering it and as he looked up at the tall blonde he did his best to control his voice from shaking. “What else can we do?”

She smiled and nodded as if she’d expected the answer. “You can lie on your side…”

Sam gasped loudly, and instinctively started to push himself up to sit. He was running out of options quick. Thalia stepped closer and carefully placed a hand on his. “Listen for a second, okay?”

Surprised at how fast he calmed down, Sam nodded and rested back on the rubbery padding. He remembered that she’d promised that they would agree on everything first. It was like his mind threw all reason away at any chance it got to panic.

“If we lower the head end of the table almost all the way, you might be able to turn your upper body enough that you won’t close off half the room.”

Sam praised his luck that he’d gotten a doctor who bothered to remember his problems from the day before and was willing to take the time to make him as close to comfortable he would ever get in a place like this.

“How about we try it before we do anything else?”

Sam couldn’t imagine being okay with it and wondered if there was a third option, but was willing to try it. He nodded in silence and forced a small smile. As Thalia lowered the table, Sam concentrated on breathing deep and slow, trying to not let the claustrophobic feeling take over. He didn’t realize that his hands were shaking before Thaila took one of them and he looked up at her patient face. She didn’t look worried anymore. Maybe she was just concerned that he wasn’t going to try anything and storm out of there. If his heart didn’t slow down soon and the darkness in the edges of the room kept coming closer, he might do that still.

“It’s alright Sam. You don’t have to do this, we can skip it.”

Sam wasn’t sure why he shook his head and started to turn to his side. He knew that Cas wouldn’t hold it against him if he bolted but he would still have to live through every illness, and there was more than he should have, and this _was_ the only time he was ever going to do this. If he stopped it now, he wouldn’t ever be able to go back. He kept Thalia’s hand firmly in his as he turned his back to her. She put her other hand on the back of his knees and pushed as soon as he was stable.

“Push your hips far back and turn your legs up as much as you can, and then turn everything from you hip and up.” She spoke fast and let Sam do this as quick as possible.

He had his shoulders flat on the table and could see everything like before, but he didn’t feel in control. He was locked in place and as soon as she would touch him back there, he wouldn’t be able to move. The darkness moved closer and he shook of a chill covering his whole body.

“Hey.” Thalia rubbed his upper arm lightly and spoke quietly. “If you insist on going on with this, how about we get Charlotte in here? I know that it will make _me_ feel better if you have someone paying attention to you and nothing else.”

Sam hadn’t realized that the only life line he had wasn’t able to check on him and if the memories of being locked down and helpless took away his ability to talk, which was already close to happening, he wouldn’t be able to let her know that he needed to move. He didn’t want more people in there with him, seeing him like that, but she was right, he _needed_ it. He could hear Lucifer laughing at him, still mocking him for the mess he’d made him into.

“Okay,” Sam whispered under a shuttering breath.

Sam saw Thalia talking into something, but couldn’t see what or hear what she was saying. Soon he only knew the song of his blood rushing through his inner ear and felt Thalia’s soft hand brushing slowly over the back of his as he crushed her other hand.

“Sam.” It was another voice, a kind and soft one, easily flowing through the sharp demands of him taking medicine and Lucifer’s patronizing words. “Sweetheart, can you focus your eyes on me?”

Charlotte. He hadn’t heard anyone but her call him that in years. Sam blinked and found her soft face looking down at him. Her brown curls famed her smile and round cheeks, but Sam saw only dark shadows behind her.

“There you are.” She took his hand from the doctor and Sam followed her in bending his arm so she could stand almost at the end of the bed, looking upside down. “Here, lift your head.”

If he was too confused to do anything else or if he was just not capable of worrying about the small demands, Sam didn’t know, but he followed as Thalia lifted his head slightly and Charlotte pushed a small pillow under it.

“Take a look around the room. Can you see everything?”

Sam breathed deep and swallowed, forcing himself to look into the dark mix of mocking words and doctor’s coats. He squeezed harder on Charlotte’s hand and instinctively pulled his knees even closer. Thalia placed a hand on his ankle and he focused on her for a second. She’d sat down, making her eyeline only a few inches higher than Sam’s head.

“Sam?” Charlotte put her other hand on Sam’s other shoulder and looked down at him upside down. “I guess that someone or some event hurt you or scared you?”

Sam nodded and breathed in deep, making room for only a whisper. “Some _one_.”

“Okay.” She smiled with a confidence that Sam had no idea how anyone in this room could muster up. “Take a good look at Dr. James here and then at me.”

Sam did as told. Somehow, having something to do, that wasn’t exposing himself to the unknown, was covering some of the loud voices. He looked at Charlotte for a few seconds before she spoke. “Tell us honestly; does any of us remind you of any of those people?”

Sam didn’t remember when his smile last came that easily. He shook his head and was able to take a breath that felt almost healthy.

“That’s good. Now, you check the room over as many times and whenever you need to, but focus on my voice and look at me whenever you doubt where you are and who’s here. Can you do that?”

Sam could do that, sure. It was the best plan he’d been faced with since Cas pulled up that site on the laptop. He looked around the room and saw the actual real walls, they weren’t moving closer, nothing was blurry and there was silent, except for his own breathing.

He looked at Charlotte again. “Okay, I can do that.”

She nodded at Thalia, but Sam didn’t take his eyes of the nurse. He heard Thalia roll the chair a bit back and the table roll with her closer to Sam. There was a light hand on his calf, he hardly felt it through the blanket. “Tell me when you’re ready, you can still back out anytime.”

Sam took a deep breath and took hold on the edge of the blanket over his ribs and squeezed harder on Charlotte’s hand. “I’m okay, let’s just get this done so I can stand up.”

He wasn’t sure he remembered what came after this, but he couldn’t think about anything but standing and walking around freely and the nod Charlotte gave him convinced him that there would at least be time for that break.

“Alright, the thermometer is first.” Thalia lifted the blanket and moved the gown up too. Sam was sure the heat he felt on his lower back and face was from him flushing bright red all over. He shuttered with the first touch to his cheek but kept his breathing in order. He knew it from the day before, he would hardly feel it, but a sudden feeling of being locked down, not able to move without hurting himself snuck up on him fast. He focused strongly on the door and then made sure once more that he in fact could see every wall and corner of the room. Charlotte rubbed her thumb firmly on his shoulder. She must have noticed his breathing changing or him tensing up or something. He looked up at her and she had her eyes only on him. “You say the word and two seconds after you can move. You just talk to us before you panic.”

Sam smiled and looked back over the room. Her hand in his was calm, and enough for him to know that she was still focusing in him even though he didn’t demanded her attention that second. The beep from the thermometer had him jump a little, but he didn’t react to it being removed.

“Roughly the same as yesterday. It's a good sign that it hadn't gone up. Have you ever had a prostate exam before?” Thalia asked.

“No.” Sam was surprised that his voice wasn’t raw or shaking. But with his intense memories under control he remembered that he was only embarrassed and nervous about the medical aspect of this. Nervous was pretty damn far from terrified.

“A lot of men worry about it, but it won’t hurt. Try to relax and breathe calmly, it will make it easier and quicker.”

Not wanting to look at neither the doctor or the nurse, Sam locked his eyes on the door and focused on how fast he could get there if his mind locked up again and he needed another place to catch his breath.

Thalia lifted his cheek and he gasped as her finger brushed over his muscle. He’d expected it to be cold, but it was only the touch making him jump.

“You’ll feel some pressure. Tell me if anything feels sore or uncomfortable.”

Sam hardly moved his head, but she must have seen him nodding, because the pressure started right away. He couldn’t help but clinch around the strange feeling.

“Deep breaths.” Thalia spoke calm as if she’d predicted his reaction.

Sam took a few deep ones and managed to relax, at least enough that she could push in deeper. Nothing hurt, but the feeling was just wrong. An unwillingly tension in his lower belly and thighs, made it clear that she’d found what she was looking for. Sam tensed his grip around the edge of the blanket, this wasn’t the time to hold on tighter to Charlotte’s hand. “The finger disappeared as quick as it at entered and Sam automatically filled his lungs more relaxed.

“Everything feels alright.”

Sam turned his head and watched her change gloves. He didn’t remember that there was a third part to this. He was ready to get moving. One thing was that he’d been mentally locked like this for too long, the other was his body; his legs weren’t exactly bothering him but he wouldn’t think of this as a comfortable position.

She found a metal tube of sorts with a handle and covered it with lubricant. Before he knew what was happening, Sam had pulled Charlotte’s hand tightly to his chest.

“It’s not going to hurt you,” she said comforting. “and it will still only take a second to remove.”

Sam felt trapped already and felt no other choice than locking his eyes at he lady looking down at him.

“Are you alright?” She spoke like they had all the time in the world. Maybe they did, but as soon as that thing was inside him, Sam was on the clock, before his lungs would make him blind again. They could just as well tie him to the table.

His nod mush have been even smaller than before, because Thalia didn’t touch him until Charlotte looked up and nodded for her to go on. The metal wasn’t cold either but harder and felt bigger and somehow Sam knew that it would get even bigger when in place. It slid in easily though and not as deep as the finger from before.

“I’m opening it up a little so I can see and take the swab. It might feel tight, but if it hurts the slightest, you tell me right away and I’ll stop, okay?”

Sam swallowed and squeezed Charlotte’s hand as the only answer he could give. Charlotte nodded at Thalia again and the thing slowly took up more room.

Charlotte moved her hand from his shoulder to the side of his upper arm, maybe to make Sam feel less trapped, it didn’t do much, however.

“Sam, are you scared that you can’t move?”

Sam forced his neck to move and gave her a single nod.

“Okay, it’s okay. Whatever you’re going through, you’re controlling it. You’re almost done. Just look at me for a few more seconds.”

The thing stopped moving and Sam breathed a bit easier, from knowing that Charlotte wasn’t lying and that he was sure it wouldn’t end up stretching enough to actually hurt.

“Only a few seconds now,” Charlotte said quietly.

Sam took a deep breath as he felt something small move quickly inside, and another, deeper one, when the metal shrunk and moved out.

There was a quick touch of paper wiping him, and when Sam looked down Thalia had pushed herself back and pulled the table with her. Charlotte moved to his front and pulled his arm gently. As he sat up he felt blood rush from his head and had to grab on to the edge of the table with his free hand. He was almost able to see clearly when he stood up. Sam had half expected Charlotte to object to him moving yet, but she just supported him as he swayed and the doctor took his other hand. After a few seconds he let go of the women and with his first steps he was finally able to fill his lungs completely.

* * *

Since Cas was already here and waiting with Dean in another exam room, Thalis had offered to do the last parts back in Sam and Dean’s room. Sam had only been to happy to get a change of scenery and he would take any room right now. The longer he stayed in one place the worse his claustrophobia seemed to get.

He was sitting on the side of his bed, facing the door watching Charlotte unwrapping needles. Two of them. Sam praised the fact that Dean wasn’t here to see this before he had to do it himself, but Dean might end up with a heart attack today anyway.

Thalia was on her way; she had to pick something up first and Sam had chosen not to ask before he had to.

Charlotte sat down in front of Sam and took his hand, turning it palm up and cleaned his wrist lower half of his forearm with alcohol. Sam followed her hand with is eyes as she picked up a needle almost as thick as the IV-needle for the blood draw from the day before.

“I’ll take a little blood, for a blood gas test. You’ll most likely feel it more than a normal blood draw,” Charlotte explained calm and seemingly sure that it wouldn’t face him at all. It didn’t; needles he could deal with, _pain_ he could deal with.

“Alright.” He smiled at her and watched as the needle broke his skin a bit higher than his wrist.

The pain was instant but burned deeper as the bright red blood filled the syringe. Sam tensed up and locked eyes at the door, not wanting to loose concentration on what was important to control. It was like an angry bee was spreading the poison slowly throughout his skin but it disappeared as soon as Charlotte pulled out the needle. Sam breathed out the air locked in his lungs and held the cotton, she’d place on him, himself.

“Is this why Cas wanted to be here with Dean?”

She nodded and discarded of the needle before placing a piece of tape over the cotton. “It is, I guess your brother’s boyfriend has tried it before and thought it would be best to be here.”

Sam just nodded to himself. It was certainly a good idea for Dean to have someone there, or he might hit Charlotte or Thalia in a frenzy, he despised needles, but to be surprised with pain on top of it, would be unbearable and hard to explain to him. However, Sam knew that Cas’s knowledge of any of the procedures and tests came from only a few nights of research. He really _did_ understand how big a demand this was to put Dean through. Sam remembered the look Cas had given him when he left him and Dean alone in the waiting area and was sure he knew that this wouldn’t be easy on Sam either.

“Charlotte?” Sam didn’t ask to the fact that she’d already turned his hand and was cleaning the back of his palm.

She paused and looked up at him, obviously noticing the seriousness to his voice. “Yes?”

“Dean’s test? The extra one, for his liver?”

With a little squeeze on Sam’s hand Charlotte prevented him from elaborating on his question. “He’ll be alright. Castiel is there with him and just like any other test, we’re not forcing it on him. Let’s just worry about you for now.”

“You worry about me?” Sam forced a smile.

“Not as much as you might think.” Charlotte smiled up at him and lifted his hand a little as to get his permission to continue. Sam nodded and she placed the IV canula and pulled out the needle. That he’d done countless times. Hell, he’d done it to himself before and to Dean too; though he preferred to wait till Dean was already unconscious before approaching him with a needle.

“This is the first dose, you’ll get one more tonight and one more again before you leave tomorrow,” Charlotte said while she pressed the antibiotics into his system.

Sam loved the word _leave_ almost as much as he dreaded another night in this place.

Thalia walked in when Charlotte was just about done cleaning everything away and Sam had convinced himself that it would be okay to have his legs up in bed and rest against the headboard. She placed something wrapped in sterile plastic on the small table and sat down next to him. Charlotte walked up on his other side, and he suddenly realized that he wasn’t going to like this conversation.

“What?” he said apprehensive as he pushed himself a bit further back.

Thalia placed both hands relaxed in her lap and didn’t look away from his gaze. “The antibiotics won’t work fast enough for you to be able to urinate. You will be in quite a lot of pain already doing the night if we don’t help you empty it.”

“No. No way.” Sam looked up and Charlotte as if he had expected to back him up, but of course she was in on this too.

“Sam…” Thalia tried.

“No.” Sam talked firm and decisive but wasn’t freaking out, yet. “I can handle it. I’m not scared of pain.”

“It’s not only the pain. It’s not safe to not be able to get rid of your urine. You need a catheter.” The doctor took his hand as he tried to push himself further away, he didn’t have more room anyway so he just settled on looking at his hand in hers.

“But I can’t.” Sam’s voice was suddenly low and airy. “I can’t be trapped to the bed… and what about the test from earlier?” He looked up at Thalia with fear locking his chest, maybe he _did_ fear some kinds of pains. “You can’t put anything in there. I can’t do that.”

“Hey. It’s okay. I understand completely.” She held his hand in both of hers and waited for him to look at her. “This isn’t a test. It’s treatment and I would strongly recommend against you not doing it. We’ll get you through this, okay?”

Sam breathed deep to control his heart from jumping out of his chest as he slowly realized that there was no way out of this. He looked up at Charlotte and she put a hand on his shoulder. “You need pain medicine for this.”

Sam’s eyes burned as he instinctively shook his head. He gasped and before spilling tears he quickly pushed himself forward to sit freely in the middle of the bed. Charlotte took his free hand and held it tight in hers as she leaned in front of him and caught his eyes. “I know you don’t like the feeling of being drugged, and I’m sorry to say that it probably won’t take away all of the pain, but you can’t do this without it.”

Sam shook his head at her and pulled his hands from both women. He gathered them in his lap, already knowing that he might as well stay put, since he would end up back here anyway, maybe with Dean and Cas holding him down.

“What?” Sam forced his voice to not shake. “What will it feel like? Will I be able to move?”

“Yes.” Thalia stood up and placed a heavy hand on his shoulder, slowly pushing him down to lie on the two head pillows. Sam followed reluctantly, but ready to sit up again. “You can move. You’ll feel heavy and sluggish, but you’ll be awake and will be able to move.”

Sam shook his head and grabbed Charlotte’s hand tight. He felt his tears building as she looked at her in a last attempt to silently beg his way out of this. She covered his hand with a calm palm and lifted their hold on each other so only his elbow rested on the mattress. “I’ll be right here. Just like before, I’m here only for you and I won’t leave until you ask me too.”

“I can’t do this.” Sam instinctively pulled his hand with the IV to his chest and pushed himself from Thalia’s side of the bed. “I, I can’t be drugged and feeling slow. It’s not…”

His voice cracked and he paused. Charlotte moved a hand to his shoulder and held it firmly. “Do you prefer to be out completely?”

“N-no.” Sam’s stomach churned and he pulled in air in a high-pitched heave.

“Okay, okay.” Charlotte looked at Thalia as if she for once didn’t know what to do. Then she looked down at him with remorse in her eyes and Sam’s heart found room to hate that he’d unloaded all his crazy on these two professionals who was just trying to do their jobs. “Sam. We can wait till after Dean’s tests, we’ll bring in Cas too if you want.”

Sam swallowed deeply and as he pressed his eyes closed for a long second, he felt a tear roll down his cheek. He looked up at Charlotte and shook his head. He didn’t want them to know about the catheter at all. Dean might see it later, but he was not going to witness it go in. He couldn’t control his chin quivering when he fought every cell in his body and nodded to Thalia and gave her his hand with the IV-port.

Charlotte pulled over a chair and sat down making her close enough that she could lean her elbow on the mattress when she once again rubbed his shoulder. She placed their joined hands on Sam’s rapidly moving chest and looked him in the eyes. “Just like before. You keep an eye on what you need, but remember that I’m here, okay?”

“Okay,” Sam whispered.

Thalia slowly took his hand and placed it on his belly and cleaned the port on the IV.

“Wait.” Sam was still only able to form whispers. “How long?”

Thalia already had a syringe ready to connect to the IV-port but didn’t make a move towards his hand just yet. “We’ll give you a dose more after to let your body adjust a little more to the catheter. It’ll last around half an hour to an hour.”

Sam was sure he wouldn’t be able to control his mind, being drugged and in this place. He wondered how a panic attack would feel like when on heavy pain killers.

Thalia held on to the IV and Sam flinched, but held his hand still when he realized that she wasn’t doing anything before he said so.

“Sam. I’ll give you the same sedative you got last night. How do you feel about that?”

He looked from the syringe to each woman and back. Every muscle in his body was locked and ready to react and get out of there. He even had a plan for which direction he could fastest take his hand from Charlotte’s light hold. He wasn’t sure he wanted that need for control taken from him, but he knew that if he had the need for it and then got the pain medication and couldn’t get his body to react properly, he’d definitely panic.

“I think that’s a good idea,” he said with almost full sound to his words.

“Okay. We’ll start with that and you tell me when you’re ready for the pain medicine.” Thalia fastened the syringe to the IV and pushed the liquid into his bloodstream.

Sam closed his eyes for a second but they sprung open again as soon as he felt unaware of the room. He needed to see everything around him. To make sure there was no one else in the room with them.

His breathing slowed down fast and soon he felt Charlotte’s hand on his shoulder clearer. He looked over at her and she rubbed his upper arm a few times and then gathered both hands around his. “There you go. Deep breaths.”

Sam nodded and filled his lungs completely a few times. “I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“Dean is waiting for me, but I’m not leaving here till you’re able to calm down after.” Thalia held the syringe up so he could see that she wasn’t placing it yet. “And we’ll get Dean in here if you say so. His tests can wait then.”

“Okay, but…” Sam swallowed. “What if…? I might panic and can’t say… What if…?”

“Sam.” Charlotte spoke firm and waited for him to look at her. “At the first sign that you are not with us we’ll stop and get Dean in here right away. Remember, that I’m here only to make sure how you are, okay?”

Sam’s chest moved faster again, but only because he’d already decided to go through with this now. He nodded at Thalia and looked down at his hand.

“Okay.” She screwed the syringe on to the port. “It will work right away so I’ll place the catheter as soon as the medicine is in.”

Sam had almost forgotten why he was getting these drugs in the first place and now it was almost a relief to have something else than the drugs to think about. He tightened his hand in Charlotte’s grip and took a deep breath as he watched the plunger getting pushed and the medicine disappear into his hand.

Sam watched the doctor unwrap stuff and pull the small table closer to his middle, he wasn’t sure the drugs was working, but when she put on new gloves his headache disappeared completely. He looked around the room. There was nothing there but he needed to be convinced of that before his body would react. He remembered the feeling of being drugged from the mental hospital and for months after he’d woken up with the same heavy claustrophobic feeling. His hands and feet were the first to feel it, like big socks and mittens.

“Tell me how you feel, Sam.” Charlotte didn’t lean in or move closer and Sam loved her for not taking up more of his view of the room.

He looked up at her briefly with a forced smile. “Well, my headache is gone.”

She reached down and removed the blanket and moved up his gown and then turned all of her attention back to his face. “Say stop if it hurts too much.”

Sam nodded and curled his fingers, on the hand on his belly, around a fold in his gown. Pain he could deal with, he would actually prefer to have a distraction from his heavy legs and arms right now. Besides, if he stopped, they would most likely just give him more drugs.

He swallowed when Thalia lifted his shaft and gasped loudly as she cleaned him with something inhumanly cold. “Sorry about that.” Thalia sounded more secure in this situation than Sam thought possible for anyone in a room with him right now. “I’ll insert it now. As I said, you will most likely still feel some discomfort or pain, but I’ll get this done carefully but as quick as possible, okay?”

Sam breathed in deep as an answer and she clearly understood. It wasn’t a sharp pain like the q-tip earlier, he was sure he would have knocked both ladies out if he hadn’t gotten the painkillers and it was like that. But the burning was still more than a discomfort. As the thing moved up inside his shaft, the pain had him breathing faster and clutch down harder on his gown and on Charlotte’s hand.

“I know, I’m sorry.” Thalia sounded like she meant it but not like she was regretting what she was doing.

The burning continued moving inside him and spread a dull soreness throughout his middle. His body tried to tense up and curl in on itself but everything moved too slow.

There was a hand on his chin and he focused on the brunette looking down at him. “Breathe, you’re almost done.”

For the first time since he’d arrived, Sam resulted to trying to block everything out and turned his head hard into the pillow and squeezed his eyes shut. He couldn’t deal with this. The pain, the loss of control over his body and the weird state of wanting to know and control everything around him but not _feel_ the need to. There was too many things going on, and trying to make sense of what was helping or hurting him wasn’t possible.

“Deep breaths, Sam,” Charlotte demanded in a caring tone.

He fought his urge to heave in air fast and uncontrolled and did as told, the best he could. With the exception of Thalia’s hold on his dick and the pain she inflicted on him, Charlotte’s hand in his was the only connection to the world and the only thing he chose to think about.

The firm fingers on his shaft disappeared before the pain subsided and he was still turned crookedly to his side, with half his face into the pillow, when the blanket covered him again.

“Sam. Are you still in pain?” Charlotte spoke quieter than before.

Sam shook his head. He wasn’t, but he felt the adrenaline leave fast and on top of being slow and heavy he started to feel numb in his fingers and toes.

He felt someone take his hand with the IV and pulled away lethargically. “No… no more. It doesn’t hurt.”

“Hey, hey.” Thalia said comforting, and the hand moved to his upper arm instead. “I’m not giving you anything right now, I can see that you’re not in pain, but you need to try to relax your breathing a little. C’mon.” She took his hand again and this time he let her and turned his head towards her as she pulled his arm a little.

“Good. Now breathe deep and slow.”

Sam did his best, but he had no control over his lungs, they seemed to be going faster for every part of his body he realized didn’t react as normal. He looked around the room; no blurs, no people he knew wasn’t there and no mocking voices, but the walls seemed to be coming closer. He gasped loudly, and slowly but with strength he pulled his hands from the hands holding them and tried to push himself up, but his upper body was too heavy for his arms to carry.

Charlotte stood up and supported his descend to the pillow with firm hands on his shoulders. Sam saw the confusion on her face as she looked at Thalia. “Dr. James?”

“I didn’t give him near enough for this.” Thalia checked Sam’s pulse on his neck. “Get his brother in here please.”

Through hissing wind, Sam barely heard the door opening and closing and tried to push himself up again. He needed to see it, he needed to know if he had time to get out of the room before they ran out of space, or air. He dropped hard back down again but with the third attempt, Thalia managed to get a few pillows behind him and make him somewhat sitting up.

“Sam!”

Dean’s voice cut through every other sound and the firm grip on his shoulders could only be his.

“D-Dea…”

“Hey. Don’t speak. Look at me, okay?”

Sam nodded before he was able to focus completely on his brother’s face.

“You drugged him?!” Dean almost screamed at the doctor.

“Not to this extent. Most of it has to be psychosomatic.”

Sam wrapped a sluggish hand around Dean’s wrist and Dean instantly looked back at him. “It’s alright Sammy. You’re safe.”

Sam held his eyes locked on Dean but the room around them still became smaller by the second and he could do nothing but try to fight his heavy hand from letting go of Dean.

“What is it?” Dean shook Sam’s shoulders when Sam’s breathing spiked even more. “Sammy. What is going on?”

Sam swallowed between two big heaves for air and tried to make his words understandable. “Room… wa-walls.”

“Okay, Sammy. Got it. Breathe.”

Dean turned his head for a short moment and yelled at the women to move as far back as they could. “Cas. Open the window!”

“Ca…” Sam tried to look for him but he couldn’t focus on anything further away than Dean’s face.

Dean sat down on the mattress next to him and took his hands. “You have room. You can move just fine. Feel it, Sammy.”

The cold air brushed over his shoulders and chest and let them move with more ease. He nodded and soon he could focus enough to see the concern on Dean’s face.

“I’m…” Sam cleared his throat with a cough. “It’s okay. I’m back.”

“Hey.” Dean tightened his hands around Sam’s. “You panicked. It happens. But you were never anywhere but here. You know that right?”

Sam nodded with a small smile. Dean was right; it wasn’t like when he hallucinated Lucifer, this was just some PTSD-shit, as Dean called it.

“How are you now?” Dean quickly looked over Sam’s body and landed his eyes back on Sam’s, making sure he couldn’t lie.

“Sluggish. I guess.”

Dean frowned and looked at the IV port in Sam’s hand. “Okay, but how are you holding up?”

Sam looked around the room. It wasn’t threatening like before, but he did still feel unprotected, at least unable to protect himself. Thalia and Charlotte were standing in each their corner of the room, looking less shocked than he’d expected. Cas however, had shock and guilt painted all over his face.

“I’m okay. I just…” Sam wasn’t sure what he _just_ needed to have or do.

Dean looked back at the doctor. “I’ll do my tests later. Let us be till this wears off.”

“Dean, no.” Sam pushed himself up a bit more, surprised how easy it was even with the drugs making him slower.

“I’m not disusing this.” Dean placed a pillow under Sam’s head to get him supported right.

Sam took Dean’s wrist and looked him in the eyes. “Dean. Thank you. I freaked out, but I’m okay now.”

“You’re still drugged. I see your eyes wavering and you can hardly hold your head straight to look at me.”

“I know. But I won’t freak out again.”

Cas walked over and took Dean’s shoulder, pulling him from the bed. Sam was sure that he secretly used Angel-strength to do that. Sam looked at Charlotte and she seemed to understand that he still needed someone to ground him. After a long shared gaze with Dean, she sat down next to Sam again and took his hand.

“Sammy?” Dean was shaking his head as he slowly followed Cas towards the door.

“I don’t like this Dean, I’m not going to lie about it, but it could take a long time before this is out of my system and you have stuff to do to.”

“To hell with me!” Dean pulled Cas to a halt and took a few steps back into the room. “I’m not leaving you here to panic again just to have a doctor make a pincushion out of me!”

Sam sighed. He didn’t know why he tried to force a smile, Dean would see directly through that. “I’m not going to panic. Please just go and get the tests done so we can get this day over with.”

There was a small hint of fear in Dean’s eyes that didn’t come from leaving Sam alone, and Sam nodded at Cas to walk him out. Dean took looked at Charlotte with a stern face. “You call me the second he starts to freak out. No matter what I might be doing.”

“Of course,” Charlotte said calmly.

Dean studied her for a moment before he looked at Sam. “You sure?”

“Yes, Dean. I’m sure.” Sam was surprised that he managed to keep his voice from shaking. He _was_ sure that he could handle this, now that he knew what was real and what was his own fear taking over, but it wouldn’t be easy.

Thalia said something short to Charlotte and followed Dean and Cas out of the room.

Instantly, Sam knew why he did better with Dean there: He had to get his act together next to his big brother, not because it was embarrassing but because it hurt Dean every time Sam hurt. He didn’t have to protect Charlotte and his breathing sped up as soon as the door closed.

“Sam. What happened just now?” Charlotte leaned in and looked him in the eyes.

“I… ehm.” Sam looked down at himself and shifted his position a little, he could move just fine but it felt wrong, it was too slow.

“Can you tell me what you need me to do?”

Sam swallowed and cursed the burning in his eyes. He shifted his shoulders and neck a bit and Charlotte took hold of the pillows. “Do you want to sit up more or lie down?”

He just nodded and pulled himself up by her arm. She placed the pillows higher up against the headboard and helped him sit comfortably back. She sat down again and rested her hand lightly on Sam’s. His lungs shuddered and he felt a tear running over his cheek. Quick and angrily he brushed it away with his wrist and tried to hide a sniffle. Charlotte took his free hand and slowly held it down to his chest, hindering him in catching the next tear.

“I know you’re scared and have been most of the last hours. You know that it’s okay, but you need to know that it’s okay to be sad about what happened too.”

Sam looked at the light smile on the nurse holding both of his hands. He’d never been _sad_. Angry, of course, but never sad. He swallowed and tried to accept that the tears he couldn’t stop wasn’t just fear and exhaustion. He hated the feeling of not being able to protect himself, the drugs in his system, but most of all he was devastated that something, some _one_ had had the power to make him this way.

He tightened his hands on Charlotte’s and let his head fall deeper back into the pillow. He blinked slowly and tried to ignore the water tickling his cheeks and the shuttering to his uncontrolled but dep breaths.

“Shh. Just breathe and tell me if anything changes I should know about. You’re safe here.”

Sam nodded and took a deep breath, trying to relax his body and convince himself that the heavy feeling wasn’t the enemy. He saw Charlotte’s kind eyes as the last thing before he closed his own.

“If…” He blinked once and his eyes fell shut again. “If I…”

Charlotte lifted his hand to join the other on his chest and held them both there with one of her own. “I’ll get Dean. I remember.” A light hand cupped his chin and turned his head slightly and he was able to relax his neck. Something soft touched his face, wiping away the tears. Sam breathed almost calm and unhindered before he fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This got longer than expected, but it tend to happen when I write angst. Not sure how long the next will be, but Dean won't have it easy either.


	7. Dean's exam - part one

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Dean's turn and he hates everything about it. Having to leave Sam alone, the embarrassment and comfort. He almost hate the fear of needles as much as he hates the needle itself.  
> Of-course Cas is there to make it all a bit easier, and possibly be the one reason that Dean isn't running away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is more like half a chapter, but writing is slow right now, and I wanted to give you something.

Cas had held Dean by his arm all the way from their room and to the exam room, keeping him from turning around and going to sit by Sam’s side. He felt like a little kid who’s mom was dragging him to school on a day with a test he hadn’t prepared for. Except he didn’t want to turn around because he dreaded what was in front of him but rather because he couldn’t leave.

“Are you sure she will call us if Sam needs it?” Dean asked Dr. James again when she opened the door and stood back for him to go in.

“She will. We keep our promises here, and I won’t keep you from leaving.” She turned to Cas and gestured for a short row of chairs on the other side of the hallway. “Maybe you should wait here, through the first part of the exam.”

“You’re right. He should,” Dean said with a grin. “Just give us a second.”

Cas nodded at the doctor and Dean felt as if he silently agreed that he wouldn’t let Dean run. Thalia left the door half open.

With a firm hand Dean grabbed Cas’s shoulder and looked him straight in the eyes. “You go to Sam,” he said sharply.

Cas simply shook his head and took Dean’s hand from his shoulder and held it in both of his. “I’m staying here, so you can call me in the second you need me. That was the deal. Besides Sam was doing okay when we left.”

There was no reason to argue. Dean knew that he couldn’t convince Cas’s mind when he’d decided to play the protective boyfriend. He swallowed and lowered his voice. “Listen for him.” Dean looked over his shoulder, but didn’t see or hear the women in the next room. “You can hear him if you want to right?”

“Yes. If I want, I can sort out any noise between him and I.”

“Do that.” Dean stepped even closer and whispered. “Listen for everything that’s happening in that room and go there if he’s breathing too fast.”

Cas smiled and lifted Dean’s hand up to kiss it. “Okay, I’ll do that all the time I’m out here. Now, go in and get this done and we can both go back and see him.”

* * *

The enema had been easy and, having done it before he saw Sam panic, Dean had almost forgotten it by now. As he walked into the room he didn’t even think about what was happening. It wasn’t like it was easy to shift the worry from Sam to himself just like that. Since he had Cas listening out for Sam, Dean felt fairly confident as he sat up on the exam table.

Thalia wrapped the cuff around his arm and started inflating it. Dean noticed her frown as if she were deep in thought when she wrote the numbers down next to the ones from the day before.

“Am I dying doc?”

Instantly she smiled with a small chuckle. “No, Dean you’re good. Your numbers are just a bit higher than yesterday, but it could be from what you just went through with Sam. Or from your fever.”

“Fever?” Dean hadn’t thought about it. He didn’t have one yesterday and he felt alright, except from his throat and the sensitivity to the bright lights in the room.

“Yes. I’m sure you have developed a slight fever. Your sore throat might be more serious than first assumed. I’ll measure an exact temperature later.”

“Seriously?! Again?” Dean would rather that the contact between strangers and his ass was limited as much as possible.

Thalia picked up a small red plastic thing with a button on one end, and showed it to him. “We can wait with this if you want Castiel in here for it. It’s to check your blood sugar. When I press the end, a small needle with prick the tip of your finger so I can collect a drop of blood.”

Dean looked at the device, smaller than a lighter, and then at the Thalia. “How long and how fast?”

She smiled and held it up in front of him so he could see it closely and pressed the button. The click was louder than expected but Dean hardly saw the needle and it was only like an eighth of an inch long. He wasn’t even sure it was able to break the skin. He let his shoulders drop with a light exhale and offered his hand. He didn’t have an issue with things that didn’t linger under his skin.

She checked it in the machine right away and wrote down the numbers. “You can take off your underwear now and place it on that chair.” She smiled as if there was nothing wrong about what she was saying.

As Dean stripped out of his boxers and was left with only the gown he didn’t give it much thought since he found the clock on the wall and realized that Cas had to be in here soon and wouldn’t be able to listen out for Sam. But as soon as Thalia sat in front of where he stood, wearing gloves, his awareness slowly turned to himself and he realized what he was about do. Or rather what _she_ was about to do _to_ him.

“I’ll examine you with my hands only. Tell me if anything feels sore or wrong, okay?”

“Are you sure I need this? Can’t you just take my word for it, that it’s working just fine?” Dean asked with a slight smile, not even hoping to get her to agree on that.

She shook her head and rolled closer on the chair. “I’m sure I’ll check a few things you don’t often do.”

Dean tightened his jaw and nodded short at her before he locked eyes at the far wall. He didn’t want to guess what those _things_ might be. He lifted up the gown a little when he was asked and tried not to think about her moving even closer. Her hand touched over his pubic bone but quickly moved lower. When she pressed his skin in small steps out the length of his penis, his whole world centered about not breathing too fast or too slow, or even too silent. He didn’t want to seem nervous or shy. Why the hell was it so difficult to remember how his breathing normally was?

She cupped his balls and it felt like she took a full ten minutes feeling every part of them.

“This might feel a little strange, just keep breathing slow like you do.”

Damn, maybe she’d noticed him controlling his breathing carefully. “Wait.” Dean took half a step back and looked down at the woman who slowly gathered her hands in her lap. “What might feel strange?”

“I’ll check for hernia. If you haven’t had any pain in the area, you’re not likely to have it, but it’s a part of the exam you ordered.”

If Cas had been home at the bunker still, Dean might have sworn at him out loud, but he was right outside the door, so Dean kept his profanities inside. “Well, it doesn’t hurt anywhere near there, so can’t you just check the mark on the paper?”

She chuckled and smiled overbearingly. “I still can’t do that. It won’t hurt and it’ll just take a second.”

Dean sighed loudly and looked up at the wall again. “Alright, Doc. Do what you need to do.”

The pressure next to his shaft was weird and went too deep, but it didn’t hurt and wasn’t even that uncomfortable. She asked him to cough and he did, and gave in to his sore throat making him cough a few more times than necessary. When he was done clearing his throat Thalia was already putting on new cloves.

“So, am I falling apart on the inside?” Dean cleared his throat again after hearing his own voice.

“No you’re good.” She rolled up a small table with stuff that Dean deliberately chose not to look at. “Please lie on the table for me.”

The gown covered him half way down his thighs and Dean felt comfortable laying back and still be somewhat decent, but Thalia stood next to him and without cautioning she lifted it up and exposed him. “I’ll take a swab from your urethra. It can be uncomfortable for a few seconds.”

“You will _not_.” Dean propped himself up on his elbows and looked at her hand holding an unreasonably large Q-tip. He’d been mostly joking the other times, but this time he wasn’t.

Thalia put a light hand on his chest and pushed him slowly down. Dean hand no idea why he was following. “It’s nothing really. Just take a deep breath and relax.”

“Easy for you to say.” Dean sounded more angry than he’d thought, but he was getting to that level anyway.

“You’re right; it’s easy for me to say, but you can do this.” She changed her gloves and Dean gasped slightly as she lifted up his dick. Had she just hinted that he could do _this_ and she was going to have to fight him later, with the needles?

“Ready, Dean?”

“ _Sure_. Doc. Just get it done.” Dean locked his eyes on the ceiling and started to count, not sure why, and he only got to two. The slight burn wasn’t bad but _there_. He gasped loudly and held in the air as he lifted himself up on his elbows again and saw the Q-tip slowly leave him and his gown covering him again.

“Breathe.” Thalia’s hand was on his shoulder and he looked up at her comforting smile. “Dean. You need to breathe.”

A big heave of air filled his lungs and as soon as his breathing normalized, he realized that Thalia was already finding new gloves.

Dean let his head and back fall heavily back on the table. “Don’t you give your patients a break? I’m not a play toy.”

He heard the tall blonde chuckle and then he saw her looking down at him. “ _You_ tell me if you need time to breathe. I’m just getting ready.”

“Alright. I’m good though. What’s next.” He didn’t know how little he wanted to say those words before they were half way out his mouth.

Thalia pulled something metal on the table and lifted up a support for a leg and secured it. Dean hated the words even more now, but he would have ended up there anyway. She secured the second one too and turned back to the table for a moment. “Put your legs up please and scoot down as far as you can.”

Dean moved down first and as he lifted his legs he only looked at where they would end up and not his gown sliding down his thighs. He’d never felt more exposed and vulnerable. Thalia folded down the bottom half of the table, making room for her to get even closer. “I’ll check your temperature first, and then we’ll do the rest of the exam.”

Not willing to actively engage with this part of it all, Dean just nodded and looked up again. The lube was cold but there wasn’t much, so it didn’t bother him too much. It wasn’t the thermometer, it was the lack of privacy that felt horribly wrong. The doctor used the time to find another few things that Dean was sure she’d intentionally forgotten so she wouldn’t sit and look at him. When the beep sounded, she rolled between Dean’s legs on her chair and took the thermometer out. “99.9 You definitely have a fever. You’re probably able to fight it off still, but if it gets any higher I’m starting you on antibiotics.”

Dean had had worse and gone on hunts still but he knew from experience that it could go either way from here, and he hated the thought of antibiotics because he was sure they would come with a needle.

“Have you had a prostate exam before?” Thalia asked like it was a normal every-day question.

“No.” Dean cleared his throat. “No, I haven’t.”

She put on new gloves again and Dean wondered if she would ran out of those soon. Maybe they would have to end all of this if she did.

“Alright, it’s nothing to worry about.”

Dean knew that it wasn’t, but he would still very much prefer if she didn’t stick her finger up his ass.

“The lubricant aren’t cold. You’ll feel a slight pressure.” With that as the only warning, she touched Dean’s muscle and instinctively he clenched but relaxed before she could ask him to. “Tell me if it hurts or feels uncomfortable.”

“Oh I will, trust me.” Dean snared at her, not keen on speaking in this situation but desperate enough, to look not nervous, to do so.

He knew all too well what it felt like when she found his prostate. She moved more mechanically than he’d expected, but of course it wasn’t going to be like when Cas was there.

“Okay.” She pulled out his finger and Dean breathed a bit easier. “Everything feels fine. I’ll just take a look now, and a swab.”

Dean shifted as she picked up something sounding like metal. “A swab? What is…? How will that…?”

“It’s just a long Q-tip like before, but as you can imagine you’ll hardly feel this one through the speculum. I have to ask; do you engage in anal sex?”

How she was keeping a calm voice through all of this was a mystery to Dean. He was sure he was getting more and more red in the face himself. “I do.”

“Do you have multiple partners and when is the last time you were with a man?”

“There’s only one.” Dean felt insulted by the question but reminded himself of the times where he wasn’t in a relationship.

“And the sex?” she asked calmly.

“It’s great, thank you very much. Three days ago, but the last time I bottomed have to have been a little over a week ago. Now, can we get this done so I can get covered before I loose my ass and balls to frostbite?”

She moved close again. “Sure. It won’t take long.”

The metal wasn’t cold, but Dean wasn’t a fan of how hard it felt and how far she moved it in. He locked his eyes on the ceiling, but when she told him that she was opening it up more, he covered his eyes with an arm and concentrated hard on not telling her to fuck off. He didn’t feel the Q-tip and almost thought she’d forgotten it when she closed the speculum and , but the small box it came in had moved on the table when she rolled it away.

“You can put your underwear on now,” she said as she cleared the table of stuff and put new things on it.

* * *

Dean didn’t wait a second to get his legs down and climb of the table. He quickly got his boxers on and then stood still waiting, since he wasn’t completely sure what was next. Thalia took down the leg rests and folded the last part of the table up again. Dean hadn’t thought he could feel more humiliated than he was a minute ago, but when Thalia turned around and asked if he still wanted Cas in here with him, she had a look in her eyes that Dean hadn’t seen since a twenty-something year-old Sam had to nurse Dean back to health from a dangerously high fever. Dean hated that look. There was pity in it. He had expected it from Sam when he had to force him to eat and drink, but not from the tall, strong looking, professional doctor.

Blood rushed from Dean’s head fast enough that he was sure he heard it. When she took his hand it was already numb. She walked him to the table again and lifted the head end before making him lie back against it.

“Sit here for a second. We’ll go slow. Now, should I get Castiel?”

Dean swallowed deep and as it didn’t make it easier to talk, he nodded slowly. Not more than a few seconds after she’d left his side, Cas was there, holding his hand.

“Hi.” Cas’s smile and calm demeanor had Dean breathe deeper and smile back.

“Hi,” he said a little louder than a whisper.

Castiel looked at the doctor. “We might as well get started.”

Dean’s fingers clutched hard on Cas’s hand and he pushed himself higher up the tilted backrest. “Cas, wait.”

The heavy hand Cas placed on Dean’s shoulder felt like Cas was getting ready to pin him down. Cas lifted Dean’s hand and kissed it. “Dean, you can do this and you know it won’t be any different if you prolong it.”

Dean shook his head but settled back down. He didn’t loosen his grip on Cas’s hand for a second though, and when Thalia pulled the little table closer again and sat down next to him, he had no say in his breathing speeding up.

“Let’s start with the blood draw, it’s an easy one.” She had definitely taken her professional mask back on after Cas came in, but Dean still noticed that she’d slowed her speech a down a little.

Dean looked at Cas and was horrified to see him nod approvingly at her. Dean’s chest moved faster and his head felt light and empty again. If he was going to have success escaping this he had to leave now, before his legs set out. He sat up straight and ignored Cas’s hand on him when he quickly swung his feet over the edge of the table. They didn’t get all the way to the floor though. Cas’s hand on his shoulder held him sitting on the table. He held on tight. Tighter than possible for any human. He didn’t hurt him but Dean was stuck, and as Cas pushed him back against the backrest, Dean could do nothing but follow.

“Please.” Dean grabbed on to Cas’s wrist with both hands but it was impossible to remove it from his shoulder. “Cas. I don’t need it.”

“You do. You know that,” Cas said with a seldom tenderness in his voice. He moved Dean’s legs up one at a time and took one of Dean’s hands from it’s desperate hold on him. “We need to figure out why you’re sick all the time.”

Dean shook his head and quickly looked at Thalia who was putting on gloves. “But, I’m never _really_ , _seriously_ sick. I can live with it.”

Cas leaned in and kissed Dean’s forehead. “Stop arguing. You know it could quickly end up serious.”

Thalia stood up and reached for his hand, but Dean withdrew it with a loud gasp.

“Love, give her your arm.” The way Cas looked at Dean, he was sure that if he didn’t comply Cas would move his arm himself.

Dean slowly moved his arm from Cas’s side of the table to the other, within Thalia’s reach. His stomach churned and he gagged even before she touched him. It was pathetic, _he_ was pathetic. He hadn’t even seen a needle yet.

Cas’s hand was in Dean’s hair before he realized that he wasn’t holding him in place anymore. “Look here. You don’t want to see, I know that.”

Knowing Cas was right, Dean fought every nerve in his body that told him that he needed to be in control and turned his head to look at Cas. It wasn’t long after Cas’s powers were weakened the first time that he’d experienced Sam stitching Dean up and Dean had thrown up at the first sight of the needle. It was actually better with stitches, because the pain could often distract from the things moving under his skin. Today there was no distractions.

Thalia moved his arm a little and placed it flat on a small padded armrest. “I’m cleaning first. It’s a bit cold.”

Dean jumped a little from the cold, but gasped and shook his head again, when reminded that blood was drawn from the crease on the elbow.

Cas held his free hand tighter. “Hey. Breathe, okay?”

“I’ll puke, you know I will,” Dean whispered not to risk his voice cracking.

Cas looked at the doctor for a second and then reached over Dean, for the table that Dean was convinced he shouldn’t look at. He sad back with a small kidney shaped cardboard bowl. Dean was sure it wasn’t big enough, but remembered that he hadn’t eaten since before they got here.

“Are you ready?” Thalia, didn’t sound like he had much of a choice, but Dean shook his head anyway. Cas sat up next to his hip and looked him directly in the eyes. He took held Dean’s hand locked on his stomach and held the shoulder of the other arm tight against the table. “He is.”

Dean heaved in air. “No, I’m not!” He tried to pull his arm back, but with Cas locked on his shoulder and Thalia holding his hand he couldn’t move much. He looked at the doctor and she quickly pulled her free hand behind her, so he didn’t see what she was holding. “I’m not doing this.” His voice was squeaking but he couldn’t take a second to care. “I don’t care how ridiculous you think it is, I’m not able to just sit here and let you poke around under my skin!”

During the small pause he took to suppress a gag, Cas grabbed his chin and turned his head back to look at him. “It’s _not_ ridiculous and you _can_ do it. Now look at me and let her do her job.”

The breath Dean pulled in next, shook and his chin trembled in Cas’s hand. Cas cupped his cheek and smiled soft at Dean. It was over; Dean had lost. There was no way he was getting out of it. He breathed in deep and took hold on Cas’s arm. Cas nodded at him, but they all understood that it was to the doctor too.

Dean gasped silently as she cleaned the sensitive spot on his arm. “Here we go, it won’t take long,” she said silently but confident.

The small prick on his skin wasn’t anything to talk about, but he knew it was in there now, and Dean’s stomach twisted. “Dean. Breathe.” Cas graced his thumb slowly over Dean’s cheekbone. “It will make you less nauseous if you breathe deep.”

Dean nodded and tired to concentrate on Cas’s eyes and not the fingers touching the thing in his arm. He knew the vials needed to be attached and changed after they filled up, but he had no idea how many and the needle was moving in him every time. Dean wasn’t sure if it was the nausea that made him dizzy or if it was dizziness that pulled the nausea over the edge. “Cas…” he said almost not getting the word out before he ejected the water he had been drinking while waiting for Sam’s exam to be over, into the bowl Cas managed to get there in time. Cas still held his shoulder and it took longer to get it up, but Dean appreciated that he didn’t let his arm move as long as the needle was in there.

“All done,” Thalia said as she lifted his hand to held the bowl.

Dean held it better himself and leaned forward, but there was nothing more to get rid of. He retched over the bowl for what seemed like forever before his eyes couldn’t see it and his hands was too numb for him to hold it. Someone took it from him and as the world quickly disappeared around him, he reached desperately for Cas. Cas’s arms were quickly around his back and Dean’s head dropped heavy on his shoulder.

“I’ve got you. You won’t fall, just relax.” Cas’s one hand rubbed his back and as the other buried itself in Dean’s hair, Dean’s body and mind gave up and he went limp.


	8. Dean's exam - part two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Even more of Cas comforting Dean. Like A LOT.  
> This time Dean is heavily drugged, but everyone knows he wouldn't get through this without it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again; I have no idea what I'm talking about medically. Most is from experience or from being the person next to the bed. But don't ask me why he needs it. By now I figure you've learned to just go with it.

When he woke up, he was moving. Before getting his sight back Dean grabbed on tight to what was close in front of him.

“Okay, okay, Dean. Relax,” Cas’s deep voice said calmly.

Dean relaxed in Cas’s hold, but didn’t loosen his grip on his arms before the exam table was all the way down and he laid still.

Dr. James took his wrist and checked his pulse. It took only seconds for Dean to regain sight, feeling in his legs and arms, and to feel the embarrassment creep up his neck and cheeks again. He swallowed, hoping to sound like it wasn’t a big deal. “How long was I out?”

Cas gathered both of his hands around Dean’s free. “All of five seconds.”

It hadn’t felt like more than that, but Dean had been knocked out for way longer and it had felt like no time had went by too. He looked at the small tape on the inside of his arm and almost successfully held back a gag. “So you didn’t get the rest done?”

Thalia shook her head with a smile, as she laid his hand down on his stomach. “No, I’m sorry but I need more time than that, besides, we don’t do anything when people are passed out, we don’t know how they’ll react if they wake up in the middle of it.” Before Dean could ask what _it_ was, she turned and walked to a phone on the wall.

Dean tried to sit, but Cas pushed him slowly down. He wasn’t sure he would have made it even without Cas hindering him; his head buzzed and the room spun a full round. He blinked slowly and breathed calm to try and ground himself on the narrow table. “Cas. If there’s more needles… I can’t.”

“I know.” Cas pulled a small chair closer with his foot and took Dean’s other hand as he sat down. “Let’s hear what she has to say and take it from there.”

Dean hated it. Even with both hands in Cas’s, and Cas’s face only inches over his, he still felt like he was completely alone. Cas didn’t understand. He knew that Dean had problems with this, but he didn’t know how it felt. Sam did. He’d been on Sam’s case about the clown-stuff for years, but truth is that they understood each other even though they didn’t share the subject of the fears.

Thalia came over and stood on the opposite side from Cas. Even with her hesitant smile and standing barely within reach, she seemed more threatening to Dean than she’d had before.

“With patients reacting like you just did, I would normally call it here, and don’t do the blood gas.”

“Normally?” Dean interrupted as she took a second to breathe. Being outside of _normally_ had his chest formed in cement, even before knowing exactly what it meant.

She looked quickly at Cas and Dean felt the grips on his hands tightening. “Yes Dean,” she continued. “After the pain you showed around your liver yesterday, I put a rush on your urine-sample. I just got the result and I would strongly recommend that you to go through with the test we talked about.”

Dean took a second to think. He remembered her mentioning that yesterday, but he also remembered deciding that he wouldn’t think about it until she mentioned it again. His mind must be stronger than he’d thought. “What is the test?” he spoke with a quiet rasp and cleared his throat again.

“It’s a biopsy of your liver. After the unclear MRI from yesterday and the results of the urine sample not giving any answers, it’s the next step to make sure there’s nothing there we need to worry about.”

Dean’s head filled with air again and his whole body seemed to buzz even though he could hardly move his sluggish limbs. He swallowed to clear his throat to object but he couldn’t seem to get anything but strained breaths through it and ended up just looking at Cas for help.

Cas moved one hand to Dean’s shoulder, not holding him, but that could easily change. “How do you imagining that happening,” Cas asked the doctor too calmly for Dean’s comfort. “He’s not able to do that.”

“I know. Dean…” Thalia took a small step closer and widened her pitying smile. “How would you feel getting something to calm you, just like Sam did, but a little stronger. We’ll give you something for the pain too and nausea if you need it.”

It was a lot. Dean wasn’t sure if he would end up half asleep or paralyzed, no matter what, he would be helpless. And he was sure getting all of that entailed more needles. He wasn’t going to do that; any of it. He was slowly loosing feeling in his legs and his hand in Cas’s started to shake. Still not able to get a sound out he just kept his eyes on the doctor and shook his head lightly.

“Can we get a moment to discuss this?” Cas asked the doctor calmly. She agreed with a smile and promised that she would be back in five minutes. It sounded more like a threat to Dean.

“Dean listen…”

“No,” Dean cut off Cas with his voice suddenly working again. “This is ridiculous, you can just heal me.”

Cas shook his head as if he were arguing with a child not listening to reason. “And what will happen if I lose my powers again? There’s clearly something wrong that I haven’t been able to heal or even see. Who knows when it will get worse?”

“I do.” Dean sat up slowly and swung his legs over the edge of the table. “It won´t. It’s probably just build up annoyance of being here… with Sam.”

If Dean hadn’t been this adamant about finding the next argument, he’d might have felt bad about the guilt he’d inflicted on Cas. It was clear to Dean that Cas didn’t want to do this to either of them, but Dean couldn’t afford to think about others feelings right now.

Cas sighed and took Dean’s hands. “I’m sorry. I worry about you. Both of you.” He looked Dean in the eyes and somehow he silently prevented Dean from talking. “I know you hate this, but I also know that you can do it. It’s only one more and then you’ll be to out of it or drunk to care.” Cas stood up and cupped Dean’s cheek with a light touch. “And I’ll be here the whole time.”

Dean felt like a kid for the hundredth time that day and desperately wanted to yell at Cas, but he couldn’t find the words. He drew in a deep and slow breath and covered Cas’s hand on his cheek with his own. “I’ll end up puking and passing out again.”

Cas smiled and kissed him slowly. Dean’s shoulders sank a little. “I’ll get her in here. Let’s get it over with,” he said and left Dean alone on the table.

* * *

Dean was on his back trying to only look at Cas while Thalia and some guy was attaching things to his chest and covering him from the chest to knees with green paper. His hand held firmly in Cas’s, seemed to be the only part of his body that wasn’t shaking.

“We’ll go slow. One thing at a time and see how you react, okay?” Thalia said as she walked up next to him.

Dean locked his jaw tight and nodded, not turning his head to look at her. He’d asked to be knocked out completely but when Thalia had denied him the request he hadn’t really heard the reason, it was something about his fever, which he felt more now. Maybe it was the temperature under the paper or the fact that his pulse had to be around 150.

She placed his free arm on the small padded armrest again and held his hand there for a second. When Dean still didn’t look at her she let go and he heard her putting on gloves. As soon as he heard plastic being opened he pulled his hand back and tired to get it under the paper. Cas instantly buried one of his hands in Dean’s hair but only looked silently at him.

“Not until you’re ready.” Thalia took his hand slowly and he breathed deep to not lose his eyesight when she moved it back and cleaned the skin on the back of his palm. “Dean?” She held his hand firmly but not strong enough that he couldn’t pull it away again if he wanted. “Dean, do you worry about the drugs or is it only the needles?”

“Only?!” Dean snapped his head towards her and pushed himself up a few inches, ignoring Cas’s hand on his shoulder. “Yeah, it’s the needles. But isn’t that enough? You saw what the other one did to me!”

Thalia smiled at Cas and he let go of Dean’s shoulder and brushed his hand lightly down his arm. Thalia had hidden her hand, definitely holding the needle, behind her back before Dean had seen it. “I’m sorry,” she said with sincerity on her voice. “I know _only_ was a bad choice of words. I simply meant to ask if you are worrying about being sedated as well.”

Dean kept her eyes on her as he took a calming breath and laid back down. “Only how I react when half out of it. But I’ve been knocked out and confused before, so it doesn’t really face me in itself.”

Thalia paused and looked from one guy to the other, but luckily she didn’t ask what he meant with _knocked out_. She just sat down and held a bit tighter around his fingers. “I’ll give you the sedative first and you’ll feel tired from it. Maybe even so you need to sleep and it’s fine if you do, but you probably wont be confused. You’ll know what is going on and can talk to us.”

Cas’s hand found the top of Dean’s head again and Dean looked up at his smile. He looked confident that this was going to work out alright. Dean wasn’t so sure and wondered how much effort it took Cas to keep that mask.

“We’ll see how you react to that first,” Thalia continued. “it might take a little getting used to not wanting to fight everything. Then I’ll give you the pain medicine. It won’t take all of the pain, but hopefully enough that you don’t have to think too much about what is happening. Then I’ll draw the blood for the blood gas test. When doctor Randel performs the biopsy, nurse Fray will help and I’ll stay here, making sure you feel alright.”

Dean looked at the man who had been helping with the paper. He didn’t remember him introducing himself and the nurse was only just entering the room.

“Are you okay with that?” Thalia asked and Cas kept his eyes locked on Dean’s, demanding an answer.

“Yeah, everything but the thing you’re holding in your other hand.” Dean gave the doctor a quick look and swallowed deep as he turned his towards Cas again. “Maybe you should give me the stuff for nausea first. I’m sure it won’t be pretty when I’m lying on my back.”

Talking about the disturbance in his stomach only made it worse and he swallowed all the water building in his mouth.

“We can do that.” Dean could hear the smile on Thalia’s lips as she spoke. “Are you ready, Dean?”

Cas massaged his fingers firmly in Dean’s hair and squeezed his hand. He didn’t seem to be in a hurry but was clearly expected a positive answer to that question. Dean nodded slightly and Cas leaned in and kissed his forehead softly. In that moment Dean didn’t mind being threated like a child. Anything to distract him from Thalia’s fingers on his hand, was a welcome gesture.

“A small prick,” Thalia warned.

The pain wasn’t bad but more prominent than before, in the crease of his elbow, and Dean saw pictures of spears and knifes moving slowly right under his skin. Cas lifted his hand and kissed it and Dean’s eyes focused on him. “Just a second,” he said with a comforting smile.

Dean breathed in deep and forced himself to smile to counteract the urge to eject what wasn’t in his stomach. The thing stilled and Dean had done this, and done it to Sam, enough to know that there was only a rubber cannula in his hand now. It should make it better that the metal at least was out, but he couldn’t take his mind of the small thing still being in a vein and moving slightly every time it was touched.

“Alright. It’s secured with tape. I’ll give you the medicine now,” Thalia said and let go of his hand for a second.

Dean felt his lungs tremble slightly and knew he was losing control over his stomach fast. Cas leaned in a little closer as if he’d seen the slight panic in Dean’s eyes. “Hang in there, you’re doing good.”

The pressure on his hand when Thalia screwed the syringe to the IV port was strong and sudden enough to have Dean look that way, but Cas dropped Dean’s hand and caught his chin in time to turn his head back before he saw anything.

Cold traveled up his arm and Dean was sure Thalia had chosen a painkiller or something that would definitely make him puke. But as soon the feeling disappeared and his hand was left alone he could concentrate on Cas’s hand in his hair and was able to relax the fingers around the angel’s hand.

“Better?” Cas asked hesitant.

Not sure he was fully ready to open his mouth, Dean nodded.

“Do you feel ready for the sedative?” Thalia asked without moving.

Dean breathed in deep and smiled at Cas. He’d never been more ready to be knocked out in his life, even though it wasn’t completely. When the pressure was back on his hand, he closed his eyes slowly to concentrate on something else. He doubted that he could let go and relax enough, but if he were lucky the drug was strong enough to make him sleep.

His head felt light before she let go of his hand. And as soon as he felt his hand become heavy in Cas’s hold his eyelids blinked slowly without his permission.

“Dean?” Cas lifted Dean’s hand to his own chest and rested his chin on it.

Dean’s head dropped more towards Cas and if it hadn’t been for Cas’s hand in his hair he could have strained something in his neck.

“How do you feel?” He didn’t let Dean answer before he looked at the doctor. “He reacted fast to that.”

With Cas’s help, Dean’s head was lifted and placed on a small but soft pillow, holding him up so he could see both the doctor and Cas. “It’s not uncommon.” She laid a light hand on Dean’s shoulder. “How are you feeling? Are you getting nauseous again?”

Dean was sure he smiled, but he didn’t want to put much energy into it. “No, I’m okay.”

Cas graced his fingers over Dean’s cheek, making him turn his eyes towards his kind but slightly worried eyes. “Are you okay with this, Dean?”

Dean nodded slower than ever before and blinked again as he took a long deep breath. “It’s alright Cas. I just really want to sleep.” Dean pushed his cheek closer to Cas’s hand on the pillow. “I love the thought of sleeping almost as much as I hate needles.”

Cas cupped his cheek and kept Dean’s face towards the ceiling. “So you’re still not good with those?”

Dean gave in to closing his eyes as he shook his head. The drug did just what Thalia had promised. He was calm, tired and wasn’t as tensed as before, but he still knew what was happening and, though he wasn’t down right scared of his reaction to being stabbed again and didn’t feel the need to fight it, he still felt unsettled by the thought.

“Your vitals are good, so if you feel safe I would like to give you the pain medicine now so we can get all of this over with. What do you say?”

Dean didn’t see a reason to open his eyes as he answered with an affirmative hum. The pressure didn’t feel as strong as before, or maybe it was just that he would rather think about Cas’s thumb gracing over the back of his other hand.

“There,” Thalia said confident, just barely braking through the sound of Cas’s fingers roaming around in Dean’s hair. “It works right away, so lets try the blood draw, okay?”

Dean forced his heavy eyelids to move so he could see Cas over him. He didn’t need to speak for Cas to understand. He squeezed Dean’s hand. “It’s alright. Just think about relaxing and look at me if you can’t have your eyes closed.”

When Cas nodded at Thalia, the nausea made a brief comeback but was gone with a deep swallow. She turned his palm up and the lower side of his forearm was touched. It didn’t feel cold so Dean wasn’t quite sure what was happening. His arm was held still but it felt like the hold was light enough that his arm would fall out if he moved a little. He wondered if this was how it felt for _normal_ people like Sam, when they wasn’t freaking out.

“You will feel it, but try to concentrate on Castiel,” Thalia said as he felt the weight of her other hand resting on his wrist. “Are you ready?”

Dean hated that question. It was always the same and always ended with him getting stabbed with a needle, and it seemed as if they were getting bigger for every time. He looked at Cas, hoping for him to call it quits since he could surely see that Dean still wasn’t okay with it. Even almost passed out on drugs.

“Look at me, okay?” Cas brushed his hand from Dean’s hair and down to cup his cheek. “Use your energy to keep your eyes open and focused on me.”

How, and when, did Cas develop the best bed-side manor in history? It wasn’t like the Angel was known for always choosing the right words. Maybe he’d studied everything last night, but could you really teach yourself that from reading. Dean had to go with that explanation, it was too unsettling to think that his hand on his head was there for him to read Dean’s thoughts and detect his feelings.

“Dean?” Cas sounded like he was sure Dean had passed out with his eyes open.

“Okay,” Dean agreed in a whisper.

The pain in his arm was dull but somehow still burning and Dean wasn’t sure if it was the blood being drawn out or the size of the needle. He really roped that it wasn’t the latter.

“Hey. Look at me,” Cas interrupted Dean’s process of speeding up his breathing.

Dean breathed deep and looked up at Cas. It fast became difficult to keep his eyes focused and soon he felt so drained for energy that he had trouble even keeping them open. Why the pain was there became the least of his problems when he couldn’t see Cas anymore.

“Cas…?” he said under a breath.

“I’m here.”

Dean felt his arm lifted and his hand touched with warm lips. The pain left and his other arm was turned back and laid secure on the small surface again.

“Is it?” Dean couldn’t fight unconsciousness and speak full sentences at the same time.

“It’s done.” Cas sounded relieved. “You’re handling it all perfectly.”

Dean wouldn’t have chosen the word _perfectly_ , he wouldn’t even say that he was handling it okay, but he was _handling_ it. He just couldn’t bear the thought of what would come next. His breathing spread up, without him willing it and when he finally could force his eyes open, they were burning and his sight was clouded with tears.

Cas’s thumb graced over his cheek, surely catching a tear Dean hadn’t felt roll. He turned his head away from the doctor and pressed his cheek into Cas’s hand. He’d found a new low. Crying. He couldn’t hide it, but he didn’t have to showcase it to the whole room.

“Dean, what’s happening?” Cas sounded suddenly worried.

“I…” His voice cracked and he silenced himself with a gasp.

A light hand was on his opposite shoulder and Thalia’s voice broke through the sound if his labored breathing. “Are you worrying about the biopsy now?”

Dean nodded and cursed internally as he sniffled loudly.

“You will only feel pain from the local anesthetic. It’s only one injection and it’s not as bad as what you’ve just done,” she paused and tightened her grip on his shoulder a bit. “But that’s not what you’re thinking about is it?”

Dean shook his head. He was sure that would be fine. He wasn’t so sure about the huge spear going into his side though. Even though she’d promised that it wouldn’t hurt with the painkillers he’d gotten, he would still know that it was there and he would fell _the pressure_ , as she’d called it.

“Listen. You’re doing great on the medicine I’ve already given you. Even with your fever, your numbers are good and you’re aware of everything. I can give you another dose. It would most likely make you sleep.” Thalia took his hand with the IV lightly. “Do you want that?”

“Yeah,” Dean whispered not to crack his voice again.

Someone behind Cas pushed a chair up behind him and he sat down, making his face only inches higher than Dean’s. Dean breathed deep but didn’t move when Thalia worked on his hand. Cas seemed to shortly look at her and smiled before looking only at Dean. This time Dean’s arms were the first to feel more sluggish. His legs seemed no not matter at all. The air in his head from earlier was replaced with a heavy foam pushing it deeper into the pillow and Cas’s hand. Dean had always hated not being in control but he wasn’t mad at this; he wasn’t scared and he welcomed the darkness when he lost sight of Cas.

“Dean?” Cas asked hesitant and Dean felt his boyfriend’s hand tighten around his fingers. “Is he asleep?”

A muffled but familiar female voice answered. “Not quite. Maybe soon.”

Cas’s has finger brushed over his cheek and then the other. Dean had already forgotten about the tears. He breathed deep and let out a low and approving hum. Dean loved how Cas’s hand was buried slowly in his hair, he wouldn’t mind if he’d do that home as well. Warm lips touched his forehead and Cas’s voice spoke calmly, what seemed like only an inch from his head. “It’s alright to sleep, Dean. Let’s get these people started. I’ll be right here.”

Dean was sure he managed to squeeze Cas’s hand and nod a little. He wanted this to be over, preferably half an hour ago. He hated what was about to happen, but he couldn’t really focus his mind on it. Even when his right side was brushed over with something slightly colder than the air in the room, it was much more important to feel Cas’s hands on him.

A small but sharp pain burned at his side and he hummed louder than before. Cas’s grip tightened around his hand. “It’s alright. Just listen to me.” His fingers massaged Dean’s scalp and the sound his hair brushing over his skin almost drowned out the angel’s words. “You are okay. Everything is okay. Just relax and we’ll get back to Sam in a few minutes.”

Sam. Dean moved his face to where he was sure Cas’s was and forced his eyes open to just a sliver, just as the pain left his side. “Sammy,” he whispered, not sure anyone but himself heard it.

“He’s alright. He’s not alone and we’ll be with him soon.” It was impossible not to notice the small overbearing smile on Cas’s voice.

Dean’s eyes fell shut again. “We?”

“I’m staying for as long as you’re like this. We’ll both go to Sam.”

Something pushed at Dean’s side and he tried to move away from the touch. Hands that must have been Thalia’s held his shoulder and hip on the other side. “N-no,” he barely made a sound louder than formed air. Dean knew what was happening. He didn’t need to see or feel to know how big that thing was. Somehow he didn’t feel nausea or the will to kill someone. He just didn’t want it.

“It’s almost done.” Cas kissed his temple and something touched his forehead. From the light touch to the tip of his nose, Dean gathered that Cas had his forehead against his. “Breathe. It’s almost over.”

The feeling in his side wasn’t as strong as the connection to Cas. Dean could only focus his energy on hoping that Cas wouldn’t move until Dean was awake enough to be able to open his eyes again.

“I’m here. I’m not going anywhere, just relax,” Cas whispered. Dean was convinced that Cas was reading his mind now, but he couldn’t be mad at that either. Even with people moving next to him, _on_ _him_ , Dean felt more secure than he had for two days and he wasn’t sure he nodded while his body disappeared and then the world around him.

* * *

“Dean?” Cas was far away, but somehow Dean still felt him near. “Dean. Are you awake?”

No one else would hold his cheek like that. Dean hummed and blinked his eyes a little.

“Hello.” Cas’s smile was the only thing Dean noticed until he heard a man and woman talking near him. Dean shifted, trying to get some control of his body. Why would Cas wake him up now?

“Hey.” Cas raised his voice a little. “You’re done. It’s over.”

Dean froze with his body tensed as much as the drugs would let him. “Done?”

Cas’s smile widened. “Yes. They even managed to place the bandage and take away the paper, before you were ready to wake up.” Dean relaxed his body and Cas leaned in to look Dean directly in the eyes. “They are getting your bed, and then we’ll go and see Sam.”


	9. The second night

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I don't know how you will receive this, but I felt like it was about time we got a chapter from Cas's point of view.  
> The brothers are together again and of course they are both more concerned for the other than for themselves.

“Are we going to Sam?” Dean said when he surfaced from his sleep, but didn’t move or open his eyes.

Cas, who was walking next to Dean’s bed, sighed but couldn’t help but smile as he squeezed his hand and once again reassured Dean that they would be there in minutes.

Cas had seen Dean sleep and only wake up when they lifted him to the bed, sleep again and while they walked, wake up twice just enough to feel the bed moving. Every time the first thing he did was to make sure that they were going to see Sam. Every time Cas felt his chest tighten a little more. Sam had been sleeping for almost half an hour, while Dean was in the exam room alone, but just as Cas walked through the door, Sam had woken up heaving for air. Cas had heard his heart beating, but before he was by Dean’s side Sam was already calming down. If Dean hadn’t been so scared of the needles, he would surely had seen that Cas was keeping something from him. Cas had listened closely for Sam again after Dean was drugged to the brink of unconsciousness. He was holding his own. His breathing was still strained and a few times it had spiked but soon he’d calmed down again.

They turned a corner and the orderly stopped so Dr. James could open the door.

“Sam?” Dean said and turned his head towards the moving door.

Cas rubbed his shoulder firm, hoping that he would wake up properly this time. “We’re here. Sam is right here.”

To Cas’s relief, Dean pushed himself up a little and with the orderly’s help Cas got the pillow arranged so Dean was almost sitting.

* * *

Sam was standing on the opposite side of his bed. Cas was sure Dean would have jumped out of the bed if he had more control over his legs. Even drugged out of his mind, he had to have figured that Sam had been pacing the floor.

“You alright Sammy? I thought you were sleeping.” Dean watched Sam closely as he sat down on the bed, more carefully than Cas thought necessary, but none of them commented.

“I was,” Sam said as Charlotte helped him get situated under the blanket. He gave Dean an extra look as he was wheeled up close to Sam’s bed and his head dropped heavily to the side. “What happened to you?”

Cas heard the same concern from Sam as he’d done on Dean for hours.

“Drugs.” Dean blinked slowly and gave Sam a small smile. “Lots of drugs.”

Dean reached for Sam’s hand and the relieved sigh leaving Sam as he quickly grabbed it, had Cas take a step back. He had no business in interrupting as Sam’s breathing finally eased to being almost inaudible. He had kept Dean from him. He was sure Sam was handling being left alone after the panic attack, but as he saw how quick it was for Dean to make it easier on him, Cas regretted not stopping both of their pains. He regretted _causing_ their pain.

“Cas,” Dean said, reaching his other hand out. “Don’t stand there like you just got dumped.”

“I see you’re waking up more.” Cas forced his voice to sound eased as he walked to Dean’s side and took his hand.

“I’ll give you a few minutes to settle in before we get you ready for the night.” Thalia smiled at all of them and Charlotte followed her to the door.

“Don’t,” Dean cut in and pulled himself up more by Cas’s arm. “Just get everything done now so we can sleep.”

Sam swallowed so the whole room must have heard it. Cas was sure he remembered the sleep test and even though Cas had known about Sam’s fears he hadn’t seen it before the panic earlier. This could very well be a problem too.

“Alright,” Thalia said and nodded at Charlotte to get what they needed. “Sam.” She walked up to his side slowly. “I suggest we hook you up to everything first, then you can get used to it, while we do the rest of Dean’s exam and get him ready for sleep too. That way we will all be here if you need to take it off.”

Sam’s hand shook Dean’s so Cas felt the tremor through him. Not thinking, he let go of Dean and walked around the two beds to take Sam’s free hand. Sam looked up at him and then at Dean. Silently, he agreed with the doctor.

Dean wasn’t happy about being rolled further away, but he was still not in control of his body and couldn’t do anything about it. Sam clinged harder to Cas’s hand and as Dean looked demanding at him, he knew that the only thing for him to do was to stay by Sam’s side. Dean made sure to tell them all multiple times that the curtain should stay open and that no one were to stand between them so he couldn’t see Sam. Not that Charlotte had even gone near the curtain.

“You’ll wear this belt around your chest.” Thalia held up a light gray band. “It has only one cord which connects with a small push button. You can easily get up and you won’t break anything if you take it off yourself.”

Sam nodded slightly and sat free of the pillows. He kept his grip on Cas’s hand as Thalia pushed the gown forward just enough that she could reach around him and fasten the belt. Sam’s first breath as she let go was shot and he leaned forward quick like he was trying to catch air for a new one. Cas took Sam’s shoulder, trying to steady him a little. “Does it have to be this tight?” he asked.

Thalia nodded at him as she leaned in to push Sam back a little. “Deep breaths Sam. It’s not holding you down. You can move.”

“Sammy?” Dean’s voice was heavy and his eyes were blinking slower, but he was clearly still painfully aware of Sam.

“I’m…” Sam nodded and relaxed his shoulders. “I’m okay, Dean.”

“You sure. I’ll carry you out of here myself if I have to.”

Sam looked at Dean and as Dean’s head dropped heavily into his pillow, he sent Cas a small smile. He breathed in deep and controlled and looked at his older brother. “Sure. Dean, you’re drunk. You can’t even carry yourself right now.”

Sam was right, but Cas was sure that if he couldn’t handle this anymore, Dean would drop from the bed and fight his way across the room on half numb legs.

Sam let Thalia and Cas support him as he leaned back and accepted that she took away all but one pillow. His body tensed up again and he pulled Cas’s hand closer. Cas covered their hold on each other with his other hand and nodded. “I’m staying here.”

Thalia connected a small clamp to Sam’s finger, but he didn’t seem to mind that one. “Steady your breathing and try to relax, okay? Castiel can stay here for a few hours.”

Sam’s eyes widened and after a few seconds of holding his breath he looked to Dean. “Sam,” Cas said quietly. “I’m not leaving before you sleep.”

It clearly wasn’t enough to reassure Sam, but he didn’t object. Thalia walked to Dean, and after looking hesitant at everyone in the room, Charlotte took hold of the curtain. Cas had gotten the impression that she wasn’t easily shaken. None of the women seemed to be. But he understood that this was a special case. And sure enough, Dean has seen it and was already sluggishly fighting to get up. Thalia held a hand on his shoulder and in his drugged state it was enough to keep him from moving much. “Charlotte.”

Cas wasn’t sure he’d heard Dean call any of the women by name. “Sam?” she asked as she waited.

Surprisingly, Sam breathed deep and made smile. It seemed forced, but it was clearly there. “It’s alright Dean. Get it over with so you can sleep.”

“Leave it.” Dean demanded Charlotte.

“Hang on.” She pulled the curtain passed Dean’s face and further. Dean could see Sam and Cas but neither of them could see more than his head and shoulders. “Alright?” she asked.

Sam nodded and Dean. “Alright,” Dean agreed and let his eyes relax for a long moment. If Cas couldn’t hear his breathing he would have been sure that Dean was already sleeping.

“Turn to your side for me, Dean.” Thalia stood on the opposite side of Dean.

Dean hummed out a sigh and started to move. Cas wasn’t sure if Dean knew what was going on or if he just didn’t care.

“I’ll check your temperature real quick, remember?”

Dean nodded and blinked his eyes open for a second. Sam turned his head towards Cas. Maybe it was too much since they were brothers. But it resulted in Sam shaking and clutching on tighter to Cas’s hand. Cas tried to remember if he knew what was going on. It wasn’t like before, like the panic attack. Sam hadn’t calmed down after the belt was strapped around him but this was something else. Charlotte walked over with a chair for Cas and stood next to him. “Sam. The curtain will be gone in a second. Hang in there for a few more minutes.”

Sam needed to see not only Dean, but more importantly, he needed to be aware of the whole room. Cas leaned in and talked lower and hoped Dean wouldn’t hear. “Do you want me to stand by the curtain so I can see everything?”

Sam frowned and was still for a few seconds before shaking his head.

There was a small beep and Dean shifted slightly. “Sam?”

Sam quickly turned to look at his brother and hide a heave for air with a smile. “I’m good. You?”

Dean closed his eyes and rubbed a hand over his face. “I won’t sleep before you do, so you better start to relax,” he said with a deep voice. “I can see your chest moving too fast from here.”

“Dean.” Thalia demanded his attention and Dean sighed deep. “Your fever is up. I can’t leave you like this, you need antibiotics.”

Dean’s suddenly fully open eyes, pulled in Cas to leave Sam behind and pick his boyfriend up in a tight hug, but Dean shook his head, clearly telling him to stay put.

“Dean.” Charlotte had seen the same and was hunched down in front of Dean in a second. She covered his shakingly tight hand on the edge of the mattress with her own. “You already have an IV. No more needles.”

Dean looked at her, then at his hand. It seemed like Dean had forgotten the IV port in his hand and only now was confronted with that there had been something under his skin this whole time. He gagged loudly and pulled himself forward by Charlottes hand. Nothing came up. They all knew there was nothing left. Both brothers had to be starving too. They weren’t allowed food until the morning.

Dean kept gagging, and seemed to try to shake the four hands of him.

“Dean!” Sam called out and swung his legs out of the bed. Cas noticed the catheter before Sam was fully standing and pulled him back down. Dean looked straight at Sam, and Cas wondered who was going to panic and throw them selves towards the other first. Not being able to move quickly, Sam’s lungs pulled in high pitched heaves and seemingly Dean’s fear quickly divided between Sam panicking and himself punching someone. Cas was too late. He could do nothing to stop Sam from wanting to go to Dean.

“Sam!” Dean looked straight at his brother and as soon as Sam connected with his line of sight, Dean tightened his jaw and pulled the cannula out of his hand.

“Dea…” Charlotte didn’t manage to stop him, not that she would have been able to.

Dean covered his bleeding hand with the other, gasped in air quickly a few times and then rested his head slowly on the pillow. “Stay with Cas. You’ll be fine, just like before.” He swallowed hard and smiled slightly. “I’m okay.”

Seemingly surprised enough to pause, Sam relaxed under Cas’s hands and stopped fighting him to stand. Dean looked stern at both of them until Sam was lying on his back again. He wasn’t taking his eyes of Dean and he was still breathing too fast, but had it back under some kind of control.

Thalia still had her hand on Dean’s shoulder and was changing silent looks with Charlotte, who Cas couldn’t see behind the curtain. He cleared his throat and tried to sound as calm and causal as possible. “What now?”

Dean was back to almost sleeping, the fight had taken even more energy out of him, but Cas was sure that he wasn’t accepting a needle more and that he would still be able to fight anyone off. He turned his head back slowly and the look he sent the doctor confirmed Cas, that Dean had made up his mind.

Thalia nodded at Charlotte and she quickly ran out the door. “No more needles,” Thalia said with a smile that Dean would surly had found condescending in any other setting. “It wouldn’t be safe to have you swallow anything with your throat this sore while you being this tired.”

Dean turned back to face Cas and Sam, but closed his eyes before his head settled completely on the pillow. “What then?”

“We don’t have much documentation for how well antibiotics work as suppository, but it will work faster than if you take it orally and we’ll give you a fever-reducer too, to make sure the fever will drop.”

Dean pulled his chin to his chest and covered his head with the arm lined with dried blood. Charlotte came through the door with two packages and Thalia moved her hand from Dean’s shoulder to the edge of the blanket he was under. “Dean?”

Dean hummed low and sighed deep. “Just do it. You’ve been up my ass half the day anyway.”

Sam turned his head again, but this time he only held on tighter to Cas’s hand and kept his breathing in a close to healthy pace.

Cas kept his eyes on Dean as he tensed up, twice. But Dean didn’t move otherwise and didn’t make a sound. When Thalia pulled the blanket up high enough that Cas could see that Dean was covered, Dean breathed deep and relaxed his arm over his head. Cas rubbed Sam’s shoulder a little and Sam looked up at the ceiling for a minute and then at Dean.

Charlotte removed the curtain and Sam relaxed slightly more. Dean only hummed as the women turned him to his back. “Can we get this on you and clean your hand and arm before you sleep?” Thalia laid the gray belt over Dean’s legs and Dean nodded sluggishly.

Cas sat down again and gave Sam his attention. Sam pulled Cas’s hand to his chest and looked at him with a frown. “Cas. I can’t sleep like this,” he whispered, clearly to not let Dean hear.

“I’m sure you can, when everything calms down.”

Sam shook his head. “You don’t understand. It won’t calm down. _I_ won’t. I can’t. Even if I could like this, you won’t be allowed here all night.”

“Take it off.” Cas whispered before thinking it over. He didn’t want to cause this. He was sure the sleep test wasn’t that important for Sam’s bladder infection, maybe his headaches, but they were all quite sure that it was anxiety and panic most of the times.

“No,” Sam swallowed. “You’re right. We should have done this a long time ago.”

Cas frowned and hesitated for a second. “But if you can’t sleep anyway?”

“Knock me out.” Sam paused and breathed in strained bout carefully controlled. “Please. You can make me sleep.”

“Sam, you’re connected to machines. They will be worried if you suddenly relaxes and sleep from one second to the other. They wouldn’t be able to wake you. It would only result in you being here longer.”

“I’m begging you.” Sam’s voice almost disappeared and his eyes glazed over. “Dean will hate himself for falling asleep if I don’t and he can’t stay awake.”

They both looked at Dean, who was fighting to keep his eyes open to watch Charlotte wash his hand and making sure Thaila was still tidying and not coming close with anything.

Cas nodded at Sam. Not sure they could make it happen. “You have to relax, slow your breathing to lower your pulse. They have to believe that you’re falling asleep.”

Sam swallowed and nodded. He let his head lay heavier on the pillow and took a breath deeper than he’d done since he got the belt on. Cas placed his elbows on the mattress and his free hand high on Sam’s forehead. “If you can do this, I’ll do it again before I leave. It would keep you out for three to four hours after that.”

“Okay,” Sam whispered and quickly looked at Dean before focusing on Cas.

The doctor left with the message that Charlotte would be in the room, filling forms and after that Thalia herself would be on call. Cas had nodded as an answer, and just shook his head at Dean when he looked like he was going to ask about Sam.

Sam calmed his breathing enough to lower his pulse to almost normal, but ended up the same way as before as soon as he closed his eyes. After four times, Cas told him to keep his eyes open and concentrate on only his lungs. With his eyes locked firmly at Cas, he got everything under control and as soon as Cas felt Sam’s pulse close to a normal resting pulse he nodded quickly at him and let his power flow through his hand and Sam slept instantly. Cas supported Sam’s head to the side so Dean could see is face if he were still able to open his eyes. Cas stayed for a few seconds to pretend to not wake Sam before he left to sit next to Dean. Charlotte looked up at him when he moved and he held a finger for his mouth to tell her to be quiet. Not than anything would wake up for at least the next two hours.

He sat down on the edge of Dean’s mattress and felt the whole bed shake with the hum Dean let out as he opened his eyes slightly. Quickly he gasped and pulled himself up by Cas’s arms, but Cas pushed him slowly down. “He’s sleeping.”

Dean frowned. “He is?”

“I’ll make sure he’s still sleeping when I leave. You don’t have to stay awake anymore.” Cas cupped Dean’s cheek, and felt Dean relax his head into his support.

“You’ll stay?”

“Until they kick me out.” He looked back at the nurse and continued with a whisper even lower. “And I’ll be back as soon as you pray for me.”

Dean’s eyes closed as he smiled relaxed and not even a minute passed before he was sleeping too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pulling out the IV is always made out to be a bad-ass-move on TV, but honestly. If you can pull off a bandage and get over the thought of it the rubber tube in your hand, it's not bad. I did it in a panic-attack once. I felt it, but only noticed the blood after I'd calmed down.


	10. Getting ready for normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's the morning of the third day. Also known as the day where they get to go home, but they still have a few things to do before they can feel normal again and then there's the test-results (and a thing more -sorry/not sorry-).

From the smell of the room, Sam knew he was in a medical setting before opening his eyes. But he also knew where he was and that Dean was there too. His stomach rumbled with hunger and remembered that there would be more tests. Wanting to sleep just a little more he took a deep breath but froze midway. He was trapped. His chest was bound tight. His eyes flew open as he grabbed the edges of the bed and pulled himself up. He swallowed one desperate gasp after the other while waiting for his eyes to focus.

“Sam.”

The voice was calm and only just broke through the hissing in his ears.

“Sam, look at me.”

Sam turned his head towards the voice and found blurred image of a person with short light hair.

“You’re alright. I can take it off,” the woman said with a lightness to her voice. “Can I touch you?”

Sam’s rapid breathing kept going even after he’d remembered what this was and who Thalia was. Unable to talk he reached out for her and she took his hand slow in a firm grip.

“Alright. I’ve got you.”

Sam pulled away from the touch on his side, but he still head the click and the belt dropped loosely around his waist.

Thalia wrapped his hand in both of hers but loosened her grip a little. “Breathe now. You’re good.”

Slowly, Sam was able to focus on the woman in front of him and see her calm face and kind eyes. He took a deep breath and looked around the dim room. Dean was sleeping and by the looks of it, he hadn’t moved much since Cas knocked Sam out.

“Wh…” Sam cleared his voice so he didn’t need to force it and speak louder than a whisper. “When did Cas leave? What time is it?”

“Almost five in the morning. Castiel went home half an hour after you slept when Dean fell asleep too. You’ve slept for six hours after that.” She sounded impressed with his accomplishment. Sam was impressed too; he wasn’t sure Cas had ever made someone go out for that long.

She placed his pillow up where it should be and gestured for him to lie down. It was easy to comply since he knew that as soon as he was comfortable, she could step out of the way so he could see the whole room again. Still he felt uncomfortable. He was still trapped and he had trouble to find a way to lie where he didn’t feel it.

Thalia seemed to pick up on it. She placed a hand on his shoulder. “You should get some more rest, but since you’re up.” She looked down his body for a second. “What do you say that I take the catheter out before Dean wakes up?”

Sam breathed deep and looked to the ceiling. He had a hard time accepting that they weren’t done touching him there and he was sure it would hurt just like before too, but he’d known all along that this was going to happen.

“Sam,” she whispered and waited for him to look at her. “You’re fever is gone. The antibiotics are working so the inflammation isn’t as bad. I’ll give you something for the pain again. It will be a lot easier that it going in.”

With a sigh, Sam nodded and Thalia left him to find something from the other side of the room.

Sam looked at Dean. They had been whispering but he’d had to have been through a lot yesterday for him not to have woken up. The drugs had to be out of his system by now.

“He’s just really tired,” Thalia whispered as she rolled a small table over. “Should I draw the curtain?”

For a second Sam considered letting it be. If Dean woke up he would be scared, but only for a second. Sam didn’t want him to see. He nodded at the doctor and swallowed, convincing himself that he could be without complete control for a short time. It was a lot easier to do than the days before.

Thalia took his hand with the IV port. “Do you want the sedative this time? I can get Charlotte in here too.”

“No,” he whispered. “I’m alright.” He meant it. He knew how this would feel and even though it was going to be exactly like the first drugs at the mental hospital, he knew that it would stop and that half of his reaction yesterday was panic.

“Okay.” She smiled and held up a syringe so he could see that she wasn’t doing anything yet. “You know how this goes. You tell me when you’re ready.”

Sam swallowed hard and took a deep breath as he looked to the ceiling. “Okay. Just do it now.”

The pressure on his hand was followed by a cold sensation crawling up his arm. As soon as it was gone his felt his hands and feet getting heavy.

“Are you okay?” Thalia asked.

Sam nodded. “I… I’m fine.” He looked at her. “Really.”

She smiled and nodded at him. Then she moved the blanket to the side and lifted his gown. Sam hardly felt the cold air touch his skin. She touched him with gloved hands and started working on the tubing. “Here we go. Deep breaths.”

Sam complied and focused on slowing his breathing. As he felt the pull inside he heaved in air to fill his lungs. It didn’t hurt much. A slight burn, but nothing like the day before, but the deep soreness and movement had him gasping.

“I know, Sam,” Thalia whispered. “Almost there. One more deep breath.”

Sam heaved in air and as he did his best to let it out slowly and controlled he only felt the tube burn the inside of his dick and then it was gone. Winded he knocked his head back in the pillow.

He was covered and a light hand touched his shoulder. “Steady your breathing. C’mon.” She looked patiently at him. Sam took a few slower breathes and soon his lungs worked calmly on their own. “You did great. I know that wasn’t easy.” She pulled the curtain away and moved a small chair over and took his hand. “The drug will wear off in five to ten minutes. I’ll stay here till then.”

Sam bit his lip and nodded thankfully.

* * *

Dean woke slowly with a deep hum. Sam lifted his head from the raised bed, ready to go to him if he was going to wake up confused of the belt around his chest or maybe still feeling the drugs. Sam knew from experience that some drugs could give you a bad hangover.

When Dean’s eyes blinked open he turned his head towards the light from the window and away from Sam.

“Dean,” Sam said and waited for him to turn to his side. “Mornin’.”

Dean sighed and shook his head. “We’re still here, huh?”

Sam chuckled. “I’m afraid so. Could you wake up so we can get you unwrapped and get something to eat.”

“Food.” Dean sat up, maybe a bit too fast since he grabbed the edge of the mattress and put the other hand to his forehead.

“Hungover?” Sam asked. “Do you still feel drugged?”

“No, Sammy. I’m just not quite awake yet.” He swung his legs over the edge of the bed. “But I don’t care how early it is; I want a burger with all the fixings.”

Not feeling too keen on eating, Sam shook his head with a grin.

“Hey, Dean. Stop,” Thalia said before the door closed behind her. She was by his side in a second. “You haven’t eaten in 40 hours and five minutes ago you were sleeping like a rock. Take a minute or you’ll drop to the floor.”

Sam saw the reluctance in his brother as Dean followed her push on his shoulder and laid back down. She raised the head of Dean’s bed too and then took the belt and the thing on his finger off. That must have fallen of Sam by its own when he woke up.

“I’m fine. I’m just starving.” Dean took the edge of the blanket in Thalia’s hands and placed it over his lap himself. “Can we eat and then get out of here? Or better yet; leave and eat on our way home.”

Thalia smiled overbearingly and looked at the trays on the table she’d taken with her into the room. “I’ll check your blood sugar and blood pressure and then you can eat. Both of your test results are back. We’ll talk about them after.”

Dean seemed annoyed, but agreed. Sam wondered what the results would say. As long as he was going home today he was okay with it. He knew his headache was from high blood pressure. It came back every time he panicked. Thalia and Charlotte had mentioned it as a possible reason too. His urinary infection was better too, so he couldn’t see a reason for them to keep him. Still he was sure his stomach didn’t feel empty because of hunger.

* * *

After sighing loudly when they were presented with soup Dean had ate all of it and finished the jello too. Sam was still sipping at his when Dean laid down curled up on the part of the bed that was still horizontal.

“They said we should take it slow,” Sam said as he shook his head.

Dean looked up at him. “I’m good. I’m great in fact. Just tired. Besides I’m sure they didn’t mean _that_ slow.” He nodded towards Sam’s soup that was slowly getting cold in front of him.

“So how are you in here?” Charlotte walked in and looked from one bother to the other and went to Dean. “How about we get lying in the whole bed?” She laid his bed down and after he’d stretched out and thanked her, she checked his pulse. “Good. I’ll check your blood sugar in ten minutes.”

Sam tried to hide his smile when he saw Dean’s surrendering look. He’d already complained about two of his fingers being sore.

“You have hardly eaten anything, Sam,” she said as she looked at his bowl. “How are you feeling?”

Sam wanted to say, great, good, or even fine, but his stomach was tight and his throat was locking every time he tried to get more down. “I’m just not that hungry.”

She took the food away with a soft smile and checked his pulse. Sam was done being miserable in this place. He’d been panicking, embarrassed, and in pain and now he was getting sick too.

“Can I touch your stomach?” Charlotte asked as she let go of his wrist.

Sam nodded and leaned back on the pillow behind him. The pressure didn’t hurt, but he was sure that if she kept going much longer he would throw up. He swallowed hard and took a deep breath, making an effort not to look at Dean. He could already feel his eyes boring into him.

Charlotte took her hands away and pulled the blanket up to his chest. “Everything is fine. Tell me; what and how do you normally eat?”

Sam frowned and looked at her for a second before catching up with the question.

“I don’t eat meat. Ehm, but otherwise I guess I eat like everyone else.”

“That’s not true,” Dean cut in and they both looked at him. “I eat like three times a day. He eats way less and then more often or have those gross smoothies in-between.”

Charlotte looked back at Sam with a smile. “How often do you eat, Sweetheart?”

Sam wasn’t sure if he should be embarrassed or worried. “Five, maybe six.”

“Okay. You’re one of the rare ones. It’s perfectly normal then. Your stomach isn’t used to huge meals and after a long time like this it contracts easier than others’, so even a small meal like this can be much.”

Sam looked at Dean who looked just as confused as Sam was, and then focused on the nurse again. “So, I’m not sick?”

“No,” she said and started moving their trays away. “You’re actually more healthy than most. Get some rest. I’ll bring you more in half an hour and you just eat what you can.”

* * *

A few hours later Sam had eaten as much at Dean and both of them had checked out fine after. And Dean had celebrated with another jello.

Even when Charlotte and Thalia walked in calm and smiling like always, Sam was sure that it couldn’t be a good thing that they were there for together for the first time that day.

“Sam,” Thalia opened a pack she took from the small table. “Your fever is gone but you still need the antibiotics, remember?”

“Yeah.”

She pushed a pill into her hand and filled a glass of water. “Dean, we need to make sure your fever is gone too, before we continue.”

Dean sighed and hammered his head back in the pillow. “Sure you do.”

Charlotte pulled the curtain and looked at Sam while he swallowed the pills. “All the way?”

Sam nodded. “It’s fine.”

On the other side of the curtain he could hear Dean move in the bed and then a he whispered something short and harsh. Sam couldn’t hear the word, but he knew that tone and could imagine only a few words that would had crossed Dean’s lips.

Thalia sat down next to him and Sam suddenly wondered what _continue_ entailed. “I have to ask to your medical files.”

Sam’s stomach sunk and he wasn’t sure if he’d eaten too fast still. This could be anything. What had they missed? Didn’t they give their real ones? Sam was sure they did. “What about them?” he whispered, partially not to disturb Dean.

“Correct me if I’m wrong, but it seems like neither of you ever finished your vaccinations. It looks like you didn’t get yours at six months, and Dean stopped after his check up at four years old.”

Air filled Sam’s head and he blinked fast to keep his sight from blurring. This was going to be hell on Dean. They had both thought that all of this was over. He looked at the curtain. “How many?”

She took his hand and smiled. “It depends. Why did you stop? I know you were only a baby but do you know if something happened. I need to know if it was a medical decision or if something happened.”

Sam locked his jaw and pulled his hand away. He’d dealt with this, but that didn’t mean he wanted to revisit it, and definitely not here. “It wasn’t like my parents decided it.”

She smiled and seemed to let it go. “One more question; did you move? Do you know where?”

Sam sighed. “All over, I guess.”

“Okay.” She stood up. “I’ll get everything sorted. Some of them are the same so I need figure out how we get everything without doubling anyone,” she paused and looked quickly at the curtain. “Do you want me to call Castiel?”

Sam shook his head. It had to be Dean’s decision. “Let me talk to Dean first.”

She agreed and left the room.

A few seconds later, Sam heard the beep. Charlotte stated that the temperature was normal and the curtain was removed quickly. Dean looked more annoyed than embarrassed. Annoyed was pretty damn close to angry and Sam was sure he would cross that line during this conversation.

“So what did you talk to the doctor about? Are we getting out of here or did the tests show that we’re both dying?”

Sam sat on the edge of the bed and looked at Charlotte and she quietly excused herself from the room.

Dean frowned. “What’s wrong with the tests? Because I was joking about the dead thing.”

“Nothing is wrong Dean, she didn’t tell me about the tests.”

“Then why do you look like you can hear hell-hounds?”

Sam would prefer a hell-hound right now. “Dean do you remember the last time mom and dad took you to see a doctor?”

Dean frowned and stared at Sam for what felt like a whole minute. “No. I was four years old, maybe younger.”

“You were four. I was four months. Neither of us has gotten vaccinations since.”

Dean’s eyes opened wide and within a second he was standing. Sam stood between him and the door. “Dean.”

“No!” Dean pushed him, but Sam didn’t budge. “Sam, I’m done!”

“Calm down, Dean. You’ve dealt with needles before.”

“Well,” Dean looked Sam in the eyes. “I’m done _dealing_ with anything in this place.”

Sam pushed Dean back a few steps when he tried passing him again. “I know. I’ll have them call Cas to help if you want.”

All fight went out of Dean and to Sam’s surprise he went back and sat on the edge of his bed.

“Dean?” Sam slowly walked a few steps closer. “Should we call him?”

Dean looked up and shook his head. “No, Sam. We better just get this done.”

Sam was confused like never before and even more so when Dean didn’t object to Sam sitting down next to him. “What just happened? Wouldn’t it be easier with him here?”

Dean shook his head again. “I… I could never have gone through yesterday without him, but today…”

Sam waited but Dean kept quiet. He looked defeated, like always when they were done arguing and Sam had won about the choice of stitching up Dean’s wounds.

“I don’t understand,” Sam said.

Dean looked up at him and drew in a sharp controlled breath. “You couldn’t be there yesterday, that would have been… wrong.”

Sam nodded to himself. There was no way brothers should be in that exam-room at the same time.

“Today you can. Just do what you always do.”

Sam shook his head, not quite following.

“Do you want me to spell it out for you?” Dean was getting riled up again. “Get angry. Tell me to get my act together. Take the choice away from me!”

“Doesn’t Cas do that too?”

Dean swallowed hard. “Yeah, but… it’s better with you. You don’t feel sorry for me.” Sam looked into Dean’s eyes filling with tears and then nodded determined. Even with Dean looking at him like that, he was right. Sam didn’t feel sorry. He hated that Dean felt like this, but as long as they could get through what they needed to, and they always could, neither of them felt sorry for the other. “Alright, me first and you after. I was just a baby when we dropped off the earth so I’m sure I’ll have more than you.”

“More?!”

Shit. Dean thought it was only one. “I don’t know. It sounded like it, but it could be just one for you and two for me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought I was close to finishing this, but there was (still is) so much more potential to hurt these boys, so you'll get a bit more. I'm starting to feel a bit sorry for them, but at the same time; I'm already planning how to make it hard on them in the next work I'm writing for the series -Sam's Blue Book-. I'm finishing this first though.


	11. Back to being brothers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam is getting better at accepting that he can't see everything and that he can't always move as fast as he want. Dean isn't so onboard with trying to manage his fear again.

It wasn’t two vaccines for Sam and one for Dean. It was five and three, and Dean had almost made it through the door before Sam blocked him and grabbed his shoulders.

“Sit back down!” Sam looked sternly into Dean’s eyes. “Do we have to do this again? We’re not alone this time.”

Dean looked at the doctor and the nurse who simply waited for the scene to play out. Sam felt Dean’s shoulders loosen and Dean looked down with a sigh. He let Sam push him back to the bed and pulled his legs up close under the blanket. “You’re still first,” he growled at Sam. “Maybe you’ll be hurting enough that you can’t hold me down.”

“Sure.” Sam smiled overbearingly and looked at Thalia. “So how are we going to do this. Will I be able to move my arm after?”

She smiled and placed a tray on the table next to Sam’s bed. “I think it’s best to not do all in one place. How do you feel about one in each buttock, two in one arm and one in the other?”

Sam sighed. He didn’t feel good about that at all, but nodded anyway. “Sure.” One thing was the needles and the obvious pain they would cause, but he didn’t want to be on his stomach for long, only able to see half the room and limited in movement.

“Alright lie down on your front first then. They’ll be sore after but you can sit just fine while we give you the ones in the arms,” Thalia said as she gestured for Charlotte to come over.

Charlotte kept a calm hand on Sam’s shoulder as he laid down and then stood almost at the head of the bed not to block any of his view. Sam instinctively reached up with the arm on the side he couldn’t see and Charlotte took his hand firmly in hers.

Thalia placed a hand on his lower back and he tensed for a second. “Let’s get this done so you can get up, okay?”

Sam nodded and locked his jaw, drawing in a long shaky breath.

“Sam,” Dean walked slowly to his side and hunched down in front of him. He took his hand and looked him in the eyes. “You don’t have to see everything. Just see me. I’m here, okay?”

Looking at Dean, Sam was able to take a few slow breaths and soon his lungs worked on their own again. Dean didn’t take his eyes of Sam’s face while he told Thalia that they were good and she should get it done.

Cold air touched the upper part of his rear as she pulled his sweatpants down and Sam was glad that Dean didn’t look there.

“A little cold first,” Thalia said and Sam nodded.

Charlotte’s thumb brushed slowly over the back of his hand and he squeezed it a little as if to thank her. The alcohol had Sam jump a little but Dean didn’t react to it at all.

“Here we go,” Thalia said. “It will burn a little, but it will be easier if you’re able to relax.”

Sam nodded and the same second a strong pinch had him tense all over and hold his breath.

“Sammy?”

“I’m good Dean,” Sam said and opened his eyes and smiled at his brother. He relaxed quickly after the surprise and breathed deeply and slow to stay like that as the stinging fluid spread throughout what seemed like half his ass.

“Good. Next one and then you can sit.” Thalia was already cleaning the other side.

Sam wasn’t convinced that sitting was possible for at least half a day, but he just nodded and closed his eyes. The next one didn’t surprise him as much but it took longer for the substance to go in and he had trouble not tensing.

“It’s a rough one, I know,” Thalia held back on hurting him and Sam breathed deep, glad it was over. “I’ll give you a second to relax before I push in the last little bit. I can’t force it in like this.”

“You’re kidding,” Sam exhaled.

“Sorry.” She rubbed his lower back a little. “Try to relax your legs.”

Charlotte held Sam’s hand tighter and another finger rubbed his shoulder slowly. Dean placed a hand on Sam’s forehead and Sam’ opened his eyes and looked at his brother.

“Neither of us ever thought it would end up this was around, huh?” Dean said with a grin. They both knew that Sam would be able to do this alone if he could just stand or do it back in the bunker, but it was kinda ridicules anyway. Sam just couldn’t bear to think what witnessing this meant for the fight with Dean after. Because it _would_ be a fight.

“Good, Sam. Now it’ll just take a few seconds.” Thalia pushed more of the fire-water into him and Sam closed his eyes, concentrating on relaxing his as and legs. It was only a second or two before she moved away though and Charlotte let go of his hand.

Sam quickly pushed himself up on his knees and looked at the three people standing around the head end of the bed.

“Those were the bad ones,” Thalia said and put a hand on his shoulder as she passed him. “Take the time you need to sit and relax and then tell us when you’re ready.”

Sam looked at Dean and after a quick nod from both brothers, Dean sat back on his own bed. Charlotte raised the head of his bed and Sam tried to look as if his ass wasn’t sore when he turned and sat down, but the loud exhale when he finally relaxed clearly told the truth.

Thalia stayed at a distance till Sam breathing was back to normal. “Do you feel alright Sam?”

Sam shifted a bit and hissed. “Yeah I’m good. Do you do that to kids?”

She smiled and started putting on new gloves. “Yours are a bit different. And since you’re an adult, the doses are a little bigger.”

Sam looked sternly at Dean who was looking ready bolt again. Then he nodded at Thalia to get the rest ready.

The first two was fine, but Sam couldn’t hide the hiss from the one in the other arm. He kept his gaze only at Dean and as soon as Thalia stood back he stood up. Dean tensed up and when Sam took his shoulder he held his breath.

Sam looked at Thalia, quickly. “Three, right? Which ones?”

Dean was shaking his head and tried to speak but ended up only swallowing hard. Thalia came over while Charlotte was filling the tray again. “Yes, three.” She looked at Dean but stayed at the end of the bed. “The one Sam got first and then one in each arm.”

Sam crumbled around his middle as Dean’s knee hit him hard in his stomach. Coughing and heaving in the air he lost Sam still managed to keep Dean from leaving the bed. “Dean! What the hell?!”

“This is not happening.” Dean’s fist headed for Sam’s jaw, but Sam caught it and held his wrist tight. “Let go of me!”

“No,” Sam said firm but as calm as possible. “Get back, or I’ll call Cas.”

Dean froze for a second and looked Sam in the eyes. As Dean understood that Sam meant every word, he slowly stopped fighting. Sam took his shoulders and turned him around. Dean’s breathing sped up fast and when they got to the bed he slumped over and steadied himself with his hands firmly planted on the mattress.

“Hey hey, easy.” Sam rubbed his back and nodded for Charlotte to come help.

Dean recoiled towards Sam when she touched his hand. “Dean. She’s not doing anything. C’mon breathe man.”

“Sa… Sammy,” Dean stuttered under short heaves of air.

“It’s alright. You’re good.” Sam held on tighter to Dean’s shoulders. “Can you sit up in bed or do you need a second?”

Dean started turning slowly and accepted Charlotte’s hand as Sam supported him getting seated on the edge of the mattress. Dean’s breathing was still too fast and when Sam held is shoulders to keep him from tumbling head first to the floor, he couldn’t get Dean’s eyes to focus on him.

“Dean breathe. You’ve lived through worse.” Sam looked up at Charlotte who was slowly brushing a hand over Dean’s back. “Dean?” Sam shook Dean’s shoulders making him hold his breath for a second. “Stitches, remember?”

The nurse and doctor, didn’t need to know that neither of them could count how many times they had to get stitches and that they normally did it themselves. Dean gagged, grabbed Sam’s wrist, and looked him straight in the eyes.

“Remember?” Sam tried again.

Dean gagged and hunched over but nothing came. “I…” Dean heaved in air. “Sam, I’ll…”

“It’s fine. I’m sure this place has a bucket.” Sam has noticed that there was already a small cardboard bowl on the tray.

Dean shook his head. This dance wasn’t unusual but it normally didn’t last this long. A few attempts to wiggle around it and a lot of swear words, but then Dean would suck it up and accept that he would throw up and depending of how much Sam had to do, possibly pass out too.

Slowly, Dean sat up again, but Sam was beginning to fear that Dean would pass out before they even got started. Quick enough that Dean didn’t seem to register it and fight back, Sam pushed Dean’s legs up and turned him in the bed. Sam crawled up too, and with his legs folded he sat as Dean’s mirror image, holding his shoulders. “Dean. Listen.”

Dean shook his head as he swayed in Sam’s hold.

“Yes!” Sam shook his brother and waited for eye-contact. “Throw up if you need, but you _can’t_ pass out before we’re done.”

“I’m…” Dean’s breathing speed up even more. “I’m not…”

Sam grabbed Dean’s chin and moved his face closer. “Breathe,” he said calmly.

Dean took something that reminded Sam about a real breath and then a second one. “I’m not… Sam, I’m not gonna make it.”

“Sure you are. How did you go through it yesterday?” Sam hadn’t wanted to bring that up, but he needed something to get the conversation further.

Dean curled down and Sam could only rub his back.

“I puked,” Dean said almost angry. He heaved in a deep breath. “I puked and then I passed out, but that was after only _one_.”

“Hey.” Sam pushed Dean up fast. “You can hang on for that long today too. You just said that you did it _after_.”

Dean shook his head and almost made a small smile. “Well, not the puking part.”

Sam smiled at Dean and padded his neck a few times before resting his hand there. “That doesn’t matter.” He looked at Thalia. “Can’t you give him all three in his arms, so he can stay like this?”

Thalia didn’t come closer. “Are you sure it’s not better for him to lie down?”

“Dean?” Sam asked quietly. Dean looked down but grabbed on to Sam’s biceps and shook his head.

“Okay,” Thalia said. “If he leans forward a little we can still administer it in his cheek. It will be much easier on him.”

Sam nodded. H was glad Dean didn’t need the horrible one, but the first one wasn’t fun either. He couldn’t imagine it being better in the arm.

“Hear that?” Sam looked at Dean, who seemed to have lost all his color and was still breathing too fast. “You don’t have to do anything. Let’s get this done fast.”

Dean’s eyes wavered and Sam held him tighter. “Deep breaths, Dean.”

Sam nodded at the two women to come over and Dean’s hands shook on Sam’s biceps. Thalia reached over the bed, behind Dean, and handed Charlotte a pair of gloves. Before she put them on she touched Dean’s back and he gasped sharply. “Dean, I’m just removing the gown a little and pushing your pants down.”

“No,” Dean whispered. He turned his head a little, not quite all the way to the woman. “Knock me out first.”

“Dean.” Sam rubbed his shoulder firmly. “That’s a bit overkill. Besides, it will require a needle too.”

Dean looked up at Sam and paused. “Not if you hit hard enough.”

Sam smiled and shook his head but he knew that Dean was going to accept it if offered. “Just lean forward.” Sam pulled Dean’s shoulders towards himself and with only a little struggle he got Dean to rest his forehead on his arms on Sam’s and his laps.

With a firm hand on Dean’s shoulder and one rubbing his uber back he nodded at Charlotte to try again. Dean gagged loudly with the first touch. Thalia handed Sam a bucket, thankfully bigger than the bowl, and he pushed Dean up to place it under his head. Dean wrapped one arm around it and took Sam’s elbow with the other. The bucket was securely held by Sam’s folded legs and Dean was tensing up around it under Sam’s hands.

“Do it fast,” Sam said determined. Dean’s next breath shook more but he didn’t object. Sam looked from one woman to the other. “As long as he’s sitting still, don’t pause.”

Sam was sure Dean would end up passing out, he just prayed that he would wait till after or at least till they were far enough that they didn’t have to wait for him to wake up before continuing. Sam had had to do that to Dean a few times himself.

“Dean,” Thalia said caringly. “We want to get it done fast too, but you have to relax for us to do that.”

Dean nodded and took a few deep breaths. Sam felt him gag again but his back relaxed a little under Sam’s touch. He nodded at Thalia and she cleaned the upper part of Dean’s cheek. Dean’s hand shook on Sam’s arm and his neck tensed.

“Deep breaths. You’re fine,” Sam said as he saw the needle go into Dean’s skin. Dean hissed and when Thalia pushed in the plunger he stopped breathing. “Air, Dean…” Sam rubbed his neck. “…you need that.”

Only when the needle was pulled out did Dean heave in air.

Charlotte cleaned his upper arm and Dean shook his head fast and tried to sit up, but Sam held him bend over the bucket. “Keep still. You’ve already done the rough one.” Sam knew it wasn’t about pain for Dean but to say _one down, two to go_ , was a poor comfort right now.

The needle went in and Dean gagged loudly and his whole body shook.

Sam passed his back, watching the syringe still containing almost half the liquid. “It’s fine. Get rid of it.”

Dean shook his head, but the next gag took over and Dean heaved into the bucket. Sam held his shoulders tight and as soon as Charlotte pulled the needle out, Sam moved Dean’s other hand from Sam’s elbow and down to hold the bucket too.

Sam looked at Thalia, who hesitated. He locked his jaw and nodded at her. Dean was still dry heaving, which mean that he wasn’t passed out yet. Thalia quickly cleaned Dean’s other arm and pushed the needle in. Dean gasped and tensed his arm and Thalia had to wait with pushing in the liquid. Dean leaned heavier over the bucket and Sam steadied his head as Charlotte moved an arm under his chest.

“Don’t stop,” Sam pleaded and his voice cracked.

Thalia was already pushing the plunger slowly again. “Of course not. I’ve already stated.”

Sam breathed easy and concentrated on holding Dean still for a few more seconds before Charlotte helped him push Dean up so Thalia could remove the bucket.

Sam supported Dean’s head as they laid him slowly on his back.

“Thalia?”

“Yes, Sam,” she answered quietly as if she didn’t want to wake Dean.

“How long was he out yesterday?” Sam wasn’t sure Dean wanted him to know anything, but right now he had to know how bad Dean’s fear was getting.

“A few seconds. It wasn’t much more than a dizzy-spell.” She placed a new bucket next to Dean’s bed and pushed a chair over to Sam and he took it gladly. He sat down and leaned back with a deep sigh.

“Do you think it’s better if we’re not here when he wakes up?” Thalia asked.

Sam looked at Dean. “Yeah. I thinks that’s a good idea.”

Charlotte put a hand on Sam’s shoulder. “Will you be okay alone, Sweetheart?”

Sam smiled up at her and nodded. “Thank you.”

“Call if you need anything. _Anything_. Okay?”

“I will.”

She left the room and Sam noticed that she left the door a little open. He smiled to himself and looked at Dean who was slowly beginning to move.


	12. New life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sam and Dean gets their results, some they didn't want to hear, some are helpful, and some are just confusing.

Sam had checked Dean’s pulse and after he’d turned the lights down, he once again made sure that Dean’s pulse was normal. Five minutes later, Sam was still sitting, leaned back on the uncomfortable chair, as Dean drew in a deep breath and turned his head.

“Sammy?” he whispered with a raspy voice.

Sam loosened his arms from over his chest and leaned forward. “Here.”

Dean opened his eyes and focused on Sam, as reality seemed to catch up with him. He sighed deeply. “How long?”

“Seven or eight minutes. Not much of a lap.”

“I meant how long before we leave.” Dean pushed himself up and Sam quickly moved his pillow up behind his back. Dean frowned and held his breath for a second as he shifted to get comfortable. “It feels like I’m sitting on a rock. How the hell are you even able to sit?”

Sam shifted too. He’d been doing that quite a lot but one of his cheeks was more numb than hurting. “How are you feeling? Nauseous?” Sam looked at the bucket which was still next to the bed.

“No. I’m fine. Lightheaded, but fine and ready to get the hell out of here.”

Sam was too, and he didn’t waste anymore time before calling for Charlotte to let her know that Dean was awake. She would have checked in on them soon, Sam was sure of it, but there was no need to wait.

“Hi Dean,” she said calmly but cheerful as she walked into the room. “Do you feel alright?”

Dean nodded and Sam took it upon himself to get this moving. “We’re good. We’re getting ready to leave.”

Charlotte smiled wider. “I’m sure you’ve been for quite some time. I’ll fetch Dr. James so you can get your results and get you ready. Can I turn up the light?” She already had one hand on the light switch and the other ready to push the door open.

“Yes. Thank you,” Dean said.

Sam was sure he’d heard that wrong but the smile on Dean’s face convinced him that Dean in fact had thanked the nurse.

* * *

Thalia had pulled up a chair next to Sam and had sat down with her hands full of papers and a few white boxes. She handed a small box of pills to Sam and looked sternly at him.

“You keep taking these till the box is empty, right?”

Sam nodded with an eased smile. “I will.”

“Good.” She opened the file with his name on it. “Your blood pressure has been elevated for quite some time while you’ve been here. It’s clear that it’s from anxiety, especially since you know it from earlier.” She paused and looked at him.

Sam kept his eyes on the papers and nodded silently. They already knew that and he’d come to terms with that it might never get better, but as long as he kept away from certain triggers he would be able to live with it. All he wanted was for her to tell him that it wasn’t affecting his physical health.

She leaned a bit closer and placed a feather-light hand on his shoulder, making him look up at her comforting smile. “Your headaches are from the elevated pulse, blood pressure, and rapid breathing. You’ve done right not to threat it with painkillers. I would like you to talk to someone about the anxiety, but for acute episodes I want to give you these.” She handed him a box more and when he took it she held on to it and his hand. “Only if you feel faint or that you can’t get your heart to slow down without. It’s the real deal but don’t be afraid of using them.”

“Okay,” Sam said quietly. “Thank you.” He looked at the two boxes in his hands and felt Dean’s eyes bore into him.

“One more thing,” Thalia added.

Sam sighed and looked up at her. He had a pretty good guess where this was going.

“One of the vaccinations you need to have twice. Once at six months and one at 18 months. So you have to come back for one.”

Dean gasped and when Sam grabbed his upper arm he was already tense. Sam only shook his head at his brother and looked at Thalia. “So Dean had both before four years old,” he said calmly, already confirmed in his believes but relived that it wasn’t Dean who had to go back. “He doesn’t need to repeat one, but I do. It’s the bad one isn’t it?”

“I’m sorry.” Thalia looked sorry, but more relieved than Sam that it wasn’t Dean. Sam wasn’t that bothered by it. Mostly annoyed that it had to be _that one_.

“It’s fine.” Sam leaned back again. “When?”

Thalia clearly hesitated and looked from one brother to the other. “In four months. I would suggest you both come back for flu-shots then anyway. You should get them every year.”

“What the hell?!” Dean stared at the doctor and pulled his hand away when Sam reached for him. “I’ve never needed that! You people are just way to happy to stab needles in us.”

Sam stood up and took Dean’s shoulder, not letting him pull away. “It’s four month from now and it’s only one in your arm.”

“I don’t need that, you don’t either, you know that,” Dean said angrily.

“Dean,” Thalia said steadily still sitting calmly on the chair. “It’s your choice, but you’ve been having the flu every year and it has left you open for pneumonia more than ones. It would be in your best interest.”

Sam took Dean’s other shoulder and turned him so he could see his fuming eyes. “We’ll talk about it later, but you might as well accept it. You know we’ll end up here anyway.” They both knew that Cas would pull then by there feel every year if he believed that it was for their best.

Dean breathed in deep and hissed the air out hard with a locked jaw, but he nodded and when he looked at the doctor again, his shoulders were loosened a little. “What about my liver?”

A hole grew fast in Sam’s gut and he quickly spun to look at Thalia. She smiled easily and turned a page in Dean’s file. “It had us baffled for a while. Actually it still does. For someone with next to not visits to a hospital and no surgeries a part from in your knee. We’re not able to explain where the scar tissue by your liver comes from.”

Sam frowned and sat down, still having his hand on Dean’s arm. It could be that Cas had healed something a few times without knowing when he’d healed something else. It just didn’t make sense that he would have missed anything. “Don’t you have any ideas? Is it going to be a problem.”

“Of cause it’s not a problem, Sam.” Dean shook his head at him. “I’m good, its lot like it’s even a real pain.”

Sam looked at Thalia, wanting her to explain, preferably confirm what Dean was saying.

She smiled and continued. “I know you had a run in with a heart problem. Maybe it’s from that, but it seems to long ago, it’s more likely that it’s something that had come later. As it is now, it’s nothing to be worried about. It’s next to the liver and not around it. What makes it hurt is probably a connection to a few nerves. Of course you should have someone look at it if it starts to cause your problems, but it’s not something that will get dangerous overnight, if ever.”

“So that’s it? We’re done?” Dean sat up straight and grabbed the edge of the blanket.

Sam had more questions, but he had to trust that if Thalia didn’t give more information that was what she knew and the whole truth.

She stood up and placed the files on the table. “You should stay for two hours, maybe get some more to eat, since you threw it all up. But, yes. You’re done.”

\---

Dean hadn’t eaten much in those two hours, not that he wasn’t hungry, but he’d decided that they would drive passed the local burger joint on the way back to the bunker. Sam seemed back to normal only five minutes after they entered the bunker and sat down at the table with their food. He was clearly exhausted but the light was back in his eyes and the frown had left his forehead.

After they’d eaten, Sam had proclaimed that he was going to sleep. It was only four in the afternoon, but Dean didn’t find it worrying. He was ready to pass out himself.

Cas and Dean walked behind Sam down the hallway and when they came to their room, Dean stopped Sam with a firm grip on his shoulder. “You call me if anything happens, _anything_. Preferably _before_ gets out of hand.”

Sam took Dean’s hand of his shoulder and squeezed it shortly before letting it go. “I will. I’m fine in my room, you know that, but I will.” He turned and continued to his own room.

Dean took Cas’s hand and let them in their room. He’d been unsarcastically quiet after he picked them up at the clinic. After Dean’s approval, Sam had told Cas of all the findings for both of them.

“Come.” Dean pulled Cas’s arm to make him sit next to him on the bed. “I’m fine you know that, right?” He looked at Cas’s sad eyes. “My liver isn’t in danger it’s just scar tissue and a nerve.”

“I know.” Cas looked down. “I know you’re not sick, but you’re in pain and its…”

“No!” Dean cut him off and cupped both is cheeks in his steady hands. “Cas look at me.” Cas slowly raised his gaze and looked at Dean. “I’m _not_ in pain and it’s _not_ your fault.” Dean moved his face a little closer. “Do you hear me? You’ve saved me over and over again. If only a little scar is left you’ve done pretty damn good.”

“But I don’t understand.” Cas’s eyes welled up and he shook his head what little he could in Dean’s hold. “I normally see everything. If I’d known I would have healed it right. How could I have missed that?”

Dean chuckled and looked down with a smile. He gathered all four of their hands in his lap. “Well, I have a theory, and it’s all my fault.”

Cas shook his head, clearly not understanding.

“Love, what if it wasn’t _one_ injury, but that every time you healed me there was only a tiny amount of damage? Couldn’t it be that it was so small that you’ve healed it halfway without knowing? And couldn’t it be that if it happened enough times, the scar tissue would build up?”

A frown formed on Cas’s forehead as he was thinking. “But so many times?”

“Cas. Is it possible?”

Cas nodded. “In theory.”

Dean placed his hand on the side of Cas’s neck and looked him in the eyes. “It seemed like you, unknowingly, have saved me from serious liver damage.”

Cas shook his head but Dean pulled him in for a deep kiss before he could talk. He held Cas’s hand tight as they both caught their breaths.

“I guess that my new life with the damn flu-shots should contain a lot less drinking too.

**Author's Note:**

> Since this has ended I'm scared I'll miss you. And also, I'm scared that if you have an idea or a suggestion it will get lost in the comments on my works. So I made a new pseud >IceQueenQuests< where I've made a supernatural "work" with one purpose only: that we can talk.  
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/25357399  
> Do you want to know about my plans for continuing one of my series or do you have a line you just need to have your favorite character say; ask me. I'll read and answer every comment and it'll be easy for me to keep track of prompts.  
> I'll make a post for Shadowhunters too, and maybe more fandoms if this works. Send me a comment over there so I know you've found it. :)


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